Letting dead horses lie: A short meditation about Barbaro, belittlement, paid obituaries, human decency, and the sad state of the newspaper business

In this morning’s paid obituary notices in the New York Times, I found one for a dead horse.

As you might guess, it wasn’t an obit notice for any old dead horse. It was for Barbaro, the champion racehorse who broke his leg and eventually deteriorated so badly that he had to be put down, an event that occurred just the other day.

I don’t mean to belittle the grief of Barbaro’s owners and others who knew him. Or petted him. Or admired his racing prowess. Or betted on him.

I also don’t mean to belittle the sincerity and concern of the Belmont Child Care Association which placed the obituary notice.

But I’m guessing – just guessing, mind you – that in some peoples' minds, placing an obituary for a horse in a human obituary column might seem to belittle the human dead.

It somehow appears indecent that to honor a dead horse, someone drew attention away from the humans whose modest lives and sometimes tragically early deaths are briefly illuminated by their relatives in these columns .

I’m also willing to speculate that 20 years ago, an obit for a horse among the human death notices would have been unthinkable. It would have been like a dead horse buried in religiously hallowed ground – an honor to the horse but arguably an insult to the adjacent dead humans.

What has caused this shift of values?

The fault, dear friends, lies in the Internet. Once upon a time, all manner of small type ads – paid death notices, help wanted ads, real estate ads, used car ads – added bread and heaping slabs of butter to the tables of newspaper publishers and their stockholders.

Alas, Internet sites such as Craigslist.com, Monster.com and others have sat down at the publishers’ tables uninvited and helped themselves not only to the bread and butter, but also to the meat and pudding.

Consequently, publishers’ advertising policy might just be loosening up to allow for a new income stream. Horse obits? Why not? Perhaps next week we’ll see a death notice for a beloved cat.

“You killed birds like a champ, Buzzby. You always covered the poop in your box. We will never forget you – Mom, Dad, Chip and Muffy.”

And after that, who knows? Maybe the dead hamster. Maybe a pet boa constrictor. Or an adored Iguana.

It’s a sad state of affairs when we have to wonder whether a horse or lizard will warrant more attention in the obituaries than ourselves.

C'mon you crooks! At least get your stupid and terribly-written stories straight!

Recently, in part as a demonstration of the appalling state of expository writing among Internet crooks, I published the letters of two wannabe thieves, offering to make me rich for nothing. http://thenewyorkcrank.blogspot.com/2007/01/professional-criminals-join-new-york.html

One of the letters was from a “Mrs. Pearl Vat Cole,” who was tapping out her dying message to me on a laptop in her hospital bed, with only a few days to live.

Whaddya know! She survived! (At least for a while.) That’s the good news. The tragic bad news is, now she’s got a friend named Mrs. Dora Ekpo who’s also dying (remarkably from the same variety of cancer), and who discovered my e-mail address on “the Christian site on the Internet.”

I can’t imagine my name being on any Christian site anywhere, unless it’s on a list of people who will roast eternally in hell, but never mind.



I promised I was only going to publish con artist letters once. That meant one time and one time only. However, this stuff is like all those truly terrible performers on American Idol. The worse they get, the harder they are to ignore. They're wildly addictive – two parts criminal, three parts hilariously stupid.

So here are two more submissions from the Terrible Writing Department of the Internet Underworld – first from Mrs. Dora Ekpo, who appears to be Mrs. Vat Cole’s deeply religious alter ego, and then from someone who purports to be Mr. Niabba Ibrahim, a crooked banker who sent me a virus (fortunately zapped by virus-killing softwear) along with his plea to join him in high finance skullduggery.


From: d_eeee2007@yahoo.co.uk
To: mrs_pearl_vat_cole@hotmail.com
Subject: Beloved In Christ
Date: Wed, 24 Jan 2007 12:02:01 +0000 (GMT)
FROM MRS. DORA EKPO
From: d_eeee2007@yahoo.co.uk
To: mrs_pearl_vat_cole@hotmail.com
Subject: Beloved In Christ
Date: Wed, 24 Jan 2007 12:02:01 +0000 (GMT)

Beloved In Christ

Calvary greetings in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, I am Mrs.Dora. ekpo, a widow to Late Sherrif ekpo, I am 69 years old, I am now a new Christian convert,suffering from long time cancer of the breast. From all indications,my condition is serious and according to my doctor it is quite obvious that I may not survive the sickness,although as a christain,I beleive God and I know that I will not die,I will leave to declare the glory of God.

My late husband and my only son was killed during the Ogoni Crisis and I am resently leaving alone.Our Lord Jesus Christ is my comforter. My late husband was very wealthy we have a lot of properties including Shares and houses.After the death of my husband,I made up my mind to travel abroad to leave the rest of my life and continue to do the work of God as a missionary.

I called our lawyer and I instructed him to sell all my husbands properties and shares to enableme raise some money to conitue my mission. The lawyer sold the Shares and some of the properties and I was able raise a sum of money which i will disclose the amount as soon as you notify me of your readiness to accept this proposition The fund is in cash,for the safety of the fund till am able to travel out,I packaged the fund in consignments deposited it with a Security Company in abroad.
Now that my sickness has gone to this stage,I am scared and I want the fund to be used for the work of God all over the world. most expecially the victims of the ecember 26 2004 tsunami disasterand the recent HURRICANE KATRINA in part of the u.s.a.,I have prayed and I told God to provide a honest christan who will receive this fund and utilise it for things that will glorify the name of God.

After my prayers,I searched the christain site in the internet,I found your email address and I decided to contact you.Please if you are interested in using this fund for the work of God,please send to me your full names and address to enable me give it to the security company for immediate arrangement with the security company on how the consignments that contained the fund will be delivered to you.

I await your urgent reply. to my private email.. dora_ekpo9980@yahoo.co.uk
Thanks and God bless you.

mrs dora ekpo


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FROM MR. NIABBA IBRAHIM

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From: niabbaibrahim4@hotmail.com
Bcc: etoainshrd@aol.com
Subject: BUSINESS PROPOSAL
Date: Fri, 26 Jan 2007 5:03 PM
Dear friend.

Good Day,

I am Mr NIABBA IBRAHIM, Senior Credit Officer of AFRICAN DEVELOPMENT BANK ANNEX BURKINA FASO.Here is a 100% concealed and mutually profitable business proposal for you. After the United States and Iraqi war, our client Hatem Kamil Abdul Fatah who was the deputy governor of Baghdad in Iraq and also business man made a numbered fixed deposit for 12 calendar months, with a value of ten million five hundred thausand usd only in my branch.Upon maturity several notices were sent to him, even in the first quater of this year.Again another notification was sent and still no response came from him. We later found out that the Deputy Governor has been assasinated in Baghdad.
The websites below is a proof and verification of the news abou this death:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/go/pr/fr/-/1/hi/world/middle_east/3970619.stm
http://www.uslaboragainstwar.org/article.php?id=6979

After further investigation it was also discovered that Hatem Kamil Abdul Fatah did not declare any next of kin in his official papers including the paper work of his bank deposit. And he also confided in me the last time he was at my office that no one except me knew of his deposit in my bank. So, ten million five hundred usd$ is still lying in my bank and no one will ever come forward to claim it. Against this backdrop, my suggestion to you is that I will like you as a neutral person to stand in as the next of kin to Hatem Kamil Abdul Fatah so that you will be able to receive his funds with my aid as the insider.

THE PREREQUISITE OF THIS PROJECT:I want you to know that I have had everything planned out so that we come out successful.all that is required from you NOW is for you to provide me with your Full Names and Address so that i can prepare the documents with your name. After you have been made the next of kin,you will also file in for claims on your and secure the necessary approvals and letter of probate to enable the bank move the funds to an account that will be provided by you.

There are no risks involved in the matter as we are going to adopt a legalized method and all necessary documents will be prepared by the bank for easy movement iof the fund into your account.Please endeavour to observe utmost discretion in all matters concerning this issue.Once the funds have been transferred to your nominated bank account we shall share in the ratio of 60% for me, 30% for you and 10% for any expenses incurred during the course of this peration.Should you be interested, please send me your full particulars including your private phone and/or fax numbers for easy communication,and i will provide you with more details of this operation as well as my particulars.

I wait your respond
Kind Regards,
Mr. NIABBA IBRAHIM
private email: niabba_ibrahim@yahoo.co.uk

_________________________________________________________________
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Our brilliant Bush administration: “You make nukes that endanger the world? Okay, Dear Leader! Just for that, no jet ski for you!”

This just in from Reuters, “The United States on Friday issued a formal rule banning exports of luxury items to North Korea, including jet skis, I-pods, jewelry and fancy cars, in an effort to put pressure on the communist leadership in Pyongyang.”

Wait a second! Isn’t this the same North Korea where Kim Jung Il rules the roost while the mass of people are starving? Depriving them of Jet Skis, I-pods and other luxury items (perfume, for example) must really be dealing that nation one hell of a body blow. I mean, how’s the average starving North Korean woman gonna get by without her Miss Dior Perfume?

Oh, I see. Further down in the Reuters article, there was an explanation that, “U.S. officials argue that this will help to erode support among the elite for North Korean leader Kim Jong-il, who enjoys the finer things in life and uses such gifts to curry favor with the military while most North Koreans live a subsistence life.”

You mean – you mean that we have to wait for some general’s wife to run low on toilet water before this even begins to have some kind of effect? And what’s that effect going to be? She’s going to whine to her husband, “You never buy me perfume any more!” Yeah, that’ll really stop the North Korean nuclear program dead in its tracks. And heaven help Kim Jong Il’s wife or girlfriend if she tries kvetching to her Dear Leader about how she’s kept.

Oh, wait, I see. The General and Dear Leader will have an additional problem because they won’t be able to jet ski. Jet ski where, Mr. U.S. Secretary of Commerce and Madame U.S. Secretary of State? I just checked the Pyongyang weather report for today and the temperatures are 27 °F / -3 °C. I can imagine some North Korean general putting on a pair of bathing trunks and zipping around in the icy Pacific.

This kind of idiocy is typical of the Bush administration. They refuse to negotiate with the North Koreans and talk them (or okay, bribe them) out of becoming a worldwide nuclear menace. Instead, they “get tough” by depriving them of jet skis.

Who are they kidding?

Oh, right. Themselves.

You'll find the Reuters article here:
http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20070126/ts_nm/korea_north_sanctions_dc

Arf Arf! Clap Clap! Congressional trained seals put on the same sorry State of the Union applause show as usual. Disgusting!

What is it with Congress? I’m talking about both houses. And both parties.The President makes a State of the Union address. He speaks a sentence. Applause. Another sentence. More applause. And so on.

Thus the legislators in the nation’s two allegedly most august bodies behave more like trained seals than serious lawmakers. The President cracks open his lips. They applaud. Little wonder that in a 40-or-so-minutes speech it takes about an hour for the President to say his piece.

Oh, and a note for all you Democrats who applauded at various points in the speech: Every applause break you contributed to lengthened the speech time and decreased the likelihood that a certain number of Americans would stay awake to listen to the Democratic rebuttal. Shame on you.

I watched the Trained Seals Show on CNN, where one of the newscasters suggested we watch for the likelihood that one side would applaud certain topics more than the other side.

It was a hypnotic suggestion, almost impossible to avoid once it was made. Too bad. I felt like those mid-20th Century Kremlinologists who once gauged what was going on at the Kremlin by who was standing closest to Stalin during the Soviet May Day parade. Was Pelosi clapping or not clapping? What about the Vice President? What about Ted Kennedy?

And what about sanity?

The awareness of applause watchers undoubtedly forced some of the seals to calculate when they might be caught applauding and when not. For example, I caught Nancy Pelosi clapping for some remark or other about health insurance, even though it should be apparent that the Bush plan would curtail health insurance for many middle class people, increase its costs for others, and as usual give the rich a tax break while the poor get zilch. Maybe she just wanted viewers to know she's pro health insurance.

Oh, and did I hear that W wants to cut out the first $17,000 of income from Social Security tax eligibility to pay for his health proposal? (It’s hard to be sure, because I ended up playing the “Whose Clapping?” game along with everyone else and this broke my concentration.)

But if that’s what W. wants, he means to make a huge, huge cut in contributions to the Social Security Trust Fund, effectively dealing a powerful body blow to Social Security and endangering the retirement of millions of Americans. (Clap Clap, stupid!)

I’ve got a recommendation for all future Congresses at all future State of the Union Addresses.

Sit on your hands. The way you usually do the rest of the year.

Professional criminals join The New York Crank as One-Time-Only guest columnists

So here’s the deal: Ordinarily I don’t lend my space to underworld figures, but I’m making an exception in this case.

The reason? I can’t believe that after all the publicity it's been receiving, the old “I want to send you $10 million for nothing” scam is still working.

However, I also understand the ancient rule of honest direct mail advertisers that seems to have been so eagerly adopted by Internet con artists: “If it’s pulling, keep running it. If it’s not pulling, stop wasting your time and try a different letter.”

I must therefore conclude that somewhere out there, as you read this, some sucker is responding to one of the two messages below, oblivious to the likelihood that if the sender can’t spell, has trouble with English grammar, uses a hotmail address, and asks you to reply at a different free e-mail address, he or she is most probably NOT a notable English barrister at a distinguished law firm.

Nor for that matter would a poor woman dying of cancer want to give away a fortune to a complete stranger for donation to charity, when she could do that herself. She claims that she was “brought up from a motherless baby’s home,” whatever that means. My own opinion involves a somewhat different application of the word mother.

At any rate, enjoy the literary efforts of thieves, below:
________________
From: john_abbo@hotmail.com
Bcc: etoainshrd@aol.com
Subject: PLEASE READ URGENT REPLY NEEDED.
Date: Fri, 19 Jan 2007 5:16 AM
Dear Friend,

I am Barrister John Abbo (LLB), principal partner of Abbo Chambers, London, United Kingdom.l am the personal attorney to Engr. Ross Shekel , an expatriate with Uk oil Development Company, United Kingdom who died in an auto crash along South Norwood Highway, London on the 21st of April 2003. He deposited the sum of Ten Million Six Hundred Thousand United State Dollars in his fixed deposit account with a bank, here in London. All efforts to reach his relatives have proved abortive after his death, following the notification from his bank to present his beneficiary or his account will be declared dormant and unclaimed based on their policy. This mandate compels me to present any of the family's relatives of my late client to his bank.

Since the decease is from your country and also bears same surname with you, l have contacted you to assist in the claim/transfer of this money to you. I will prepare every necessary documentation as proof , furnish you with adequate information about my late client that will back you up in this claim and l shall provide all legal services to warrant the release of this money to you within 10 working days after l must have filed in for claim in your favour.

l am highly delighted and willing to work with you in this matter and will appreciate if you will acknowledge your interest by forwarding your full names, home address telephone and fax numbers to enable me apply to his bank for commencement. A copy of my application letter will be sent to you for your view, update and documentation.You shall be entitled to 35% of the Ten Million Six Hundred Thousand United States Dollars while 5% will be used for any expenditure incurred by you and l.

Please if you are interested to assist, reply me in my private e-mail address below john_abbo1@yahoo.com

I look forward to your prompt reply.

Yours sincerely,
Barr. John Abbo
Abbo Chambers
Tel:+447024064926

_________________________________________________________________
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From: mrs_pearl_vat_cole@hotmail.com
Bcc: etoainshrd@aol.com
Subject: PLEASE READ AND REPLY IN GOOD FAITH
Date: Fri, 19 Jan 2007 8:02 PM
PLEASE READ AND REPLY IN GOOD FAITH

Dear Friend,

Greetings to you in the most wonderful name of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. His richest blessings shall be upon you forever.

I am Mrs. Pearl Vat Cole, I am 51 years old, I am a widow to late David Cole and suffering from a long time cancer of the Lungs which also affected my brain, fromall indication my conditions is really deteriorating and it is quite obvious that, according to my doctors they have advised me that I may not live for the next five months, this is because the cancer stage has gotten to a very bad stage.

I was brought up from a motherless baby’s home; I married to my late husband for twenty years without a child. My husband died in a fatal motor accident. Before his death we were true Christians.
Since his death I decided not to remarry, I sold all my inherited belongings and deposited all the sum of $18.5million dollars with a Security Company in Europ.

Presently, this money is still with them and the management just wrote me as the true owner to come forward to receive the money for keeping it so long or rather issue a letter of authorization to somebody to receive it on my behalf since I can not come over because of my illness or they get it confisticated.Presently, I'm with mylaptop in a Hospital where I have been undergoing treatment for cancer of the Lungs. I have since lost my ability to talk and my doctors have told me that I have only a few months to live.

It is my last wish to see that this money is invested to any Organization of your choice and distributed each year among the charity Organization, the poor and the motherless babies home where I come from.

I want you to be a God fearing, and also use this money to fund churches, orphanages and widows. You shall be entitled to 40% of the total sum of $18.5million dollars with a Security Company while 60% of this money will be used in all sincerity to fund philanthropic
organization and orphanages.

I took this decision, before I rest in peace because my time will soon be up. As soon as I receive your reply I shall give you the contact of the Security Company. I will also issue you a letter of authority that will prove you as thenew beneficiary of my fund.

Please assure me that you will act accordingly as I stated herein. I shall wait at your prayerful reply.

May the grace of our Lord Jesus the love of god and the fellowship of the holy spirit be with you and your family.

I await urgent reply. You get back to me on my alternative email
address:mrs_pearl_vat_cole@myway.com

Thanking you in the name of Jesus.

Yours in Christ,
Mrs. Pearl Vat Cole,

_________________________________________________________________
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Aw c’mon! You mean this is all going on in one teensy-weensy country town?

For a burg with under 4,000 souls, Yellow Springs, Ohio has more wonderful varieties of counterculture eccentricity – per square yard or per live body – than any other town in the planet, including New York.

For example, in just one week, according to the local weekly newspaper, The Yellow Springs News, you’ll find a Peace Vigil, a Water Movement class, a women’s putluck dinner, contra dancing, a Snake Oil Medicine Show, Overeaters Anonymous meetings, Zen Meditation, a “Socially Awakened Buddhism” lecture, a town Tree Committee meeting, a community chorus, a book discussion group, a…oh why go on?

There’s also the motel owner who rants and kvetches passionately about her business problems on her website:

“Here's the scoop on getting rid of the instant coffee and having real coffee. Here's their latest line... If I offer free coffee, I don't have to have a license (I do offer free coffee). BUT, because I charge for rooms they see it as though I am charging for the coffee. Therefore I need a food service license. - 'oh, bother') (Winnie the Poo)” http://www.thespringsmotel.com/

And of course, the local classifieds speak reams in short paragraphs:

"ROOM TO RENT: opportunity to live cooperatively—lighten the load on Mother Earth. Available February 1. Must be willing and able to communicate; have weekly house meetings; share upkeep of common space; accept and offer affirmations; practice acceptance of human differences regarding_food, spirituality, age, race, gender, etc. Rent is $275, including utilities. Contact Laurie Dreamspinner..."

D"ANI’S HOUSE CLEANING, using environmentally safe cleaning products. Local references. For free estimate, call Dani..."

"Yoga Springs Studio, a beautiful sacred space for weekly classes and weekend workshops. Monica Hasek, RYT, director. 108 Dayton St. (upstairs)..."

"Pamela Funderburg, HMP, Holistic Massage & Belavi Facelift massage..."

"Dark Star Books & Comics, 237 Xenia Ave.Thousands of affordable used books, collectible first editions, the best in comics, too.www.darkstarbookstore.com_"

"ATTENTION REPEAT OFFENDERS: The Newly Revised and Completely Updated REPEAT OFFENDERS: Best of the Yellow Springs News Police Report is available for purchase at the Yellow Springs News. All new illustrations by Matt Minde. It's a steal at $5.50! Find out what everyone's laughing about!"

"Found: Aikida in Springfield; Yellow Springs tags, but phone number disconnected. Call Pat..."

"JUST DO IT! Massive anti-war demonstration in Washington D.C. Jan. 27. Charter bus from Yellow Springs leaves evening of Jan. 26, returns late night Jan 27. $60 round trip, some scholarships available. An exciting adventure, the right thing to do. Reserve a seat now."

More at http://www.YSNews.com. I gotta tell you, it’s enough to make a body yearn for the peace and quiet of New York.

I wish I wrote that!

John Dickerson of Slate, commenting on the horrid faux wood paneling in a courthouse room where the press was confined during jury selection for the Scooter Libby trial over the outing of Valery Plame:

"Justice is blind and therefore does not decorate well." http://www.slate.com/id/2157695/entry/0/?nav=tap3

How to make a right-winger’s head explode

Way over on the far-right wing, friends of ultraconservative doctrine are having wildly out-of-control panic attacks. How do I know?

In response to a statement that “the Euro is not at all, not even slowly, replacing the U.S. Dollar in central bank reserves…” I posted a hasty note on the right wing blog "No Pasaran" saying that, sadly, the value of the dollar was falling in relation to the Euro. I did so hastily – so very hastily that by mistake I made it sound as if it was the Euro that was falling – a misstatement I corrected later, but no matter.

Boom! It was as if I’d placed a pound of TNT inside the heads of some of that blog’s readers and then ignited the stuff. A powerful gush of fury spewed out of the comment section of the blog. One comment even spilled over into my own blog. (See the comments section in the article below.)

I mean, it’s amazing what you get. I referred to the year I was a student and could live in Europe on $5 a day. One reader assumed that was 1980, and sailed off on a tangent from there. Another assumed it was 1990, and therefore it was impossible for me to live on $5 a day. Wrong on both counts. The year was 1959.

I got called names. I got highly selective statistics thrown at me, with inconvenient ones eliminated. I got non-sequiturs galore. I got obscenities. Sheesh!

Who knew there was all this pent up rage on the right? I mean, isn’t their own guy in the White House?

What’s causing the heat? If you believe, as I do, that rage is really just fear turned inside out, signs point to the likelihood that the right wing is terrified. Their boy, George Bush, followed their party line. The result: chaos in Iraq, blood in the streets of Baghdad, over 3,000 American military personnel dead there, an escalation of the war, a mounting national debt whereas before we had a budget surplus under Clinton, a near total failure of United States prestige abroad and a dollar that’s turning into toilet paper.

Plus, finally the American electorate has begun to see through the Bush administration and the Republican party as if they were made of glass. The Right fears the coming Democrat sweep in the Presidential Election. As well they might.

So…you wanna see right wing brains go boom? Cut and paste the following URL, and then click on “Et ca geule!”
http://no-pasaran.blogspot.com/2007/01/baudruche-boursouffle.html

Or click on the link in the sidebar above right to the most current posts on No-Pasaran, certainly a lively blog and definitely a busy blog, written I think largely by American expats in Europe.

The blog’s own writers often have interesting things to say, even though most of the time I’m miles from seeing things their way. But their readers? Hooo-wee! Check the No-Pasaran comment boards and watch all the crazed right wingers burst into flame every time they meet an opinion they don’t like.

Financial pornography, former Governor George Pataki – and the money he paid to thank big companies for firing New Yorkers.

Every so often you come across an old story that was so amazing and yet so under-publicized, it seems worth bringing up all over again.

Just that kind of story has to do with payments – usually in the double-digit millions – that New York State gave out to huge companies under just-retired Governor George Pataki .

Why were they paid the money? It was a form of corporate welfare. They either did nothing for it, or took the dough as an advance thank-you for putting New Yorkers out of work.

HEY, YOU CAN’T MAKE THIS STUFF UP

Allow me a bit of diversion here into matters sexual and pornographic.

Years ago, I chatted with a guy who during the 1960s was writing and publishing semi-pornographic books about the wild sexual mores of that era’s youth culture. He wrote books describing “open” marriages, S&M, the lifetyles of hookers, and wildly offbeat sexual kinkery.

“You do one or two tape recorded interviews with real people to satisfy the publishers this is real,” he told me, “and then you make the rest up to save time. Only you can’t really make it up, because if you can think of it, somebody else has also thought of it, tried it, and formed a club to do it with him.”

Some of the made up stuff that turned out after the fact to be real included electric shocking of submissive S&M partners and a wild orgy on a pile of creamcheese-smeared bagels.

What does this have to do with New York State? Let me explain:

Look in the Links sidebar to the right and above and you’ll find a link to Billionaires for Bush. That's the satirical website of some imaginary billionaires who encourage government to tax the poor and middle class and then give all the money to billionaires and big corporations. Turns out, you can’t make up this stuff, either. New York State’s outgoing governor had been doing this as a matter of policy. Call it "financial pornography."

SOME EXAMPLES OF PATAKI’S
FINANCIAL PORNOGRAPHY

I am indebted to Richard Rosenthal, a New Yorker City writer who likes to delve into these things, for providing me with much of the information below and Internet links to the rest of it.

It starts with a report by New York State Senator Franz S. Leichter called “Money For Nothing: The Failures Of The Corporate Welfare Programs During The Pataki Administration. More Than A Dozen Corporate Welfare Cheats Identified.”

You can read the entire report here: http://www.ctj.org/itep/gjny/biblio/LeichterNYS.htm

The program Leichter exposed was one of tax breaks for big business, supposedly instituted to create jobs in New York State. But as Leichter quickly points out, the program gave away bundles of bucks for nothing.

Leichter wrote: “While I have previously shown that the State's business incentives have failed to create jobs, this report reveals that more than a dozen companies have made significant layoffs a short time after receiving lucrative tax breaks other business subsidies from the Pataki Administration. A handful of companies have literally taken the money and run -- moving jobs out of New York after benefiting from financial incentives from the Pataki Administration.”

And it’s even more ironic than that. Leichter continued, “It is hard to square the Governor's support for corporate subsidies when he is fighting to drastically scale back funding for the State's social welfare programs. For instance, while Governor Pataki is calling for the end of the "cycle of dependency" for social welfare recipients, he has agreed to provide millions of dollars in subsidies to corporate giants like General Electric, IBM, General Motors, and Kodak -- even though they all failed to live up to past promises to create jobs after receiving State tax breaks.”

MORE TAX RIPOFF PORNOGRAPHY

Remember, this stuff is just like pornography; you can’t make it up. Here’s Leichter again:

“…the Pataki Administration pledged a hefty sum to Fisher Price, the Buffalo-based toy manufacturer, even though the company had just announced that it was laying off 700 employees. However, earlier this year, Fisher Price, which has taken advantage of State and local incentives for more than a decade, announced that it was laying off all but a handful of its remaining 300 employees and moving its operations out-of-state. Last month, the Pataki Administration agreed to provide Troy-based Garden Way with over $3 million in subsidies to keep its jobs in the State. But, just weeks after the deal was announced, Garden Way, which has eliminated 200 jobs in Schenectady over the past year, said that it would be laying off an undisclosed number of employees this summer."

Leichter’s 1998 list of Fortune 500 companies on the New York State dole included:
•Cablevision
•IBM
•Fisher-Price/Mattel
•Lockheed Martin
•Key Corp
•Kraft
•Kodak
•GM Super Steel
•Merrill Lynch
•Price Waterhouse
•Sprint

There were many smaller corporate welfare chiselers on Leichter’s list too, including high tech firms and a greeting card company.

‘THANKS FOR THE MONEY.
NOW GO JUMP IN THE LAKE!”

Among the horror stories: “…the Pataki Administration joined with New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani in announcing a deal to provide Merrill Lynch with a $28.5 million incentive package, even though the Wall Street giant acknowledged that it was not contemplating a move out of New York. While the deal consists mostly of State and City sales tax exemptions to Merrill Lynch, the State will provide a $1 million ESD grant to the company.”

Have these companies no shame? Not in the slightest.

It’s important to keep all this information in circulation, simply because ex-Governor Pataki’s name has been mentioned in connection with future elective office. For example, some think this tax ripoff artist might be just the guy Republicans ought to put up for Vice President.

EXCUSES AND REBUTTALS TO EXCUSES

My thanks to Mr. Rosenthal, who helpfully provided all of the following quotes:

“Our decision to return downtown, which has been our home for more than 150 years, was not predicated on financial incentives . . . Once those financial incentives became available, we chose to participate, as did other companies.”
-- Tony Mitchell, spokesman for American Express, on receiving a $25 million grant to retain its workers in Lower Manhattan following the September 11th attacks, quoted in Newsday June 3, 2002.

“We never really talked about leaving Manhattan . . . We realize it's not the cheapest place to do business, but we're already here . . . We attract a high-quality workforce in New York City, and we think it's advantageous to be in the country's business and financial capital.”
--Greg Vahle, Pfizer vice president of human resources and services, quoted in Crain's New York Business June 23, 2003. (Rosenthal tells me Pfizer took a $46.1 million subsidy anyway.)

“It's a form of blackmail by the companies and a clear case of corporate welfare by the politicians. The state and the city could stop giving tax breaks, and companies would still want and need to be located in New York City.”
--Brian Backstrom, Vice President of Change-NY, a conservative anti-tax group, quoted in The New York Times, June 6, 1999.

“As a businessman I never made an investment decision based on the tax code... If you give money away I will take it, but good business people don't do things because of inducements.”
--Treasury Secretary Paul O'Neill at his confirmation hearing in January 2001.

“Any company that makes a decision as to where they are going to be based on the tax rate is a company that won't be around very long...If you're down to that incremental margin you don't have a business."
-- Michael Bloomberg, quoted in The New York Times, November 8, 2001.

CEO PORNOGRAPHY

Did I mention that at a recent secret meeting of Fortune 500 CEOs and Republican politicians at a New York Hotel, they all got nekkid and started licking whipped cream and cocaine off equally unclothed hookers?

No, no, no, that’s a joke. I’m only making up the stuff about naked politicians and hookers.

Or can you make this stuff up?

OJ Simpson, Judith Regan and The Cannibal Cookbook – a killer quotation for anybody who finds great writing delicious

A few paragraphs down you'll find a quote from Carl Hiassen’s column of last November 26th in the Miami Herald.

In case you just got back from a long journey to the Planet Nictu, Hiassen is a journalist, mystery author and coiner of unforgettable phrases. He was talking about the recent flap over the OJ Simpson book, “If I Did It...” supposedly a near-confession.

The book was edited by sleaze-a-loid publisher Judith Regan and announced with some fanfare only days before her boss, Rupert Murdock, put a kibosh on the project.

“Simpson's editor," wrote Hiassen, "is a woman named Judith Regan, who in the publishing world is warmly known as the Queen of Crap. If killer-cannibal Jeffrey Dahmer were still alive, Regan would be doing his cookbook.”
http://www.miami.com/mld/miamiherald/news/columnists/carl_hiaasen/16091634.htm

In my humble opinion, that’s the best line on the Simpson affair since his trial, when some wag insisted, “They framed a guilty man.”

Pee-eugh! What’s that disgusting odor permeating Manhattan right now? And how easy would a WMD gas attack be? Or is this one?

First off, a bit of full disclosure about today’s picture.

It wasn’t taken in New York. That’s Representative Wesselhoft from the Oklahoma House of Representatives, in the process of going a bit over the top concerning some other issue.

Nevertheless, it’s a perfect fit for New York.

Manhattan this morning reeks of gas – the kind of stuff that burns in stoves and furnaces. http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070108/ap_on_re_us/nyc_gas_odor

I picked up the smell just as I walked into my cranky work space a few hours ago. I thought it might have something to do with rotting internal infrastructure in the commercial slum of an office building where I rent workspace and communications hookups with other self-employed entrepreneurs. No such luck.

WHATEVER IT IS
SPREADS FAST

Within moments, all my entrepreneurial neighbors were hawing, hacking and gossiping to each other or over the phone from their own workspaces. And then the word got out via Internet news that the odor was extending all the way up the West Side from Chelsea to Rockefeller Center, a distance of about a mile and a half. Not to mention New Jersey, a mile or so across the Hudson River.

So where’s it coming from? Search anybody in charge. The Fire Department referred the matter to Con Edison, the gas company here, which doesn’t have a clue. The utility is “investigating.”

ONCE AGAIN, THE SECURITY OF A CITY
IS IN THE HANDS OF CLUELESS BUFFOONS

Is it cooking gas? Or is it WMD poison gas?

Is it in “negligible” concentrations? Or is it in concentrations that will make people sicken or die like some poisoned Russian Agent? And if it’s “not serious,” how come so many people around me are complaining of headaches?

Is “Mayor Mike” Bloomberg, the public official so security minded that he arrests bicyclists out of fear they might create traffic jams that somehow will pave the way for Al Quaida, even aware of the gas leak yet? Or is he still in his weekend home in Bermuda, with do-not-disturb messages attached to his answering machine while he cuddles up to dreams of the Presidency?

I dunno. But I can tell you, if this is the best the city, the state and the Feds can do when some mysterious gas permeates New York, we’re all doomed. Me. You. And anybody from here to San Francisco.

Stay tuned. More dispatches eventually from New York – if there still is a New York and if anybody is left alive in it.

Well, I’m wildly exaggerating.

Scratch that. I HOPE I’m wildly exaggerating.

2 PM UPDATE

"Mayor Mike" held a press conference today at 11 AM. He offered one of those razzle-dazzle 'em self-contradictory statements that I just love:

"“The smell is there, we don’t know the source of it; it does not appear to be dangerous.” http://www.nytimes.com/2007/01/08/nyregion/08cnd-odor.html?ref=nyregion

Yo, Mike, if you don't know what it is, how can you tell whether it's dangerous or not?

I'm happy to report that the stink is gone from Entrepreneur Central where I work with all kinds of self-employed types – accountants, fashion designers, online newsletter editors, wedding photographers, Internet geeks and other startup businesses.

I was outside about 25 minutes ago, and I most certainly can confirm that whatever-it-was is no longer blowing around the West 30s in concentrations strong enough to smell.

But this was not just a big joke.

TRANSIT INTERRUPTED

A subway train in the West 20s was evacuated for a while because of the strong "gas" odor.

PATH commuter trains between New Jersey and New York were stopped for a while.

THE BEST NEWS FOR TERRORISTS
SINCE OSAMA BIN LADIN GOT AWAY

Betcha wannabe terrorists are rejoicing. Just explode your poison gas bomb in New York with a timing device, while you're hightailing it out of town. You'll have all manner of public officials saying in laid-back lethargy, "Duh. Gee. I dunno. But it's probably not dangerous. Happens all the time here." And there'll be a lot of dead bodies before anybody in charge wakes up.

What does it take to get government on the offensive when odd smells permeate the whole city? (Turns out this smell covered territory from the Battery in Lower Manhattan to midtown -- a distance of about (this is only a guess-timate) five linear miles. You could bump off a whole lot of people in five linear miles of Manhattan at rush hour.

But that doesn't seem to bother anybody in government, who are practing buzzzzziness as usual. They won't know something really bad has happened until everybody's dead.

The Saddam Hussein execution– a 6-part starter kit for budding conspiracy theorists

Look, I’m not saying any of the events listed below happened. In fact, I can 100 percent guarantee (or your money back) that these things absolutely did not happen.

But any time you get anything so weird and brutal as an execution or an assassination, conspiracy theorists and truth deniers are likely to pop up like weeds in a cow plop-enriched pasture.

The truth? Feh! Truth doesn’t matter. Suspicion and an unfounded but insistent conviction that evil forces are at work behind the scenes are everything.

So let’s get right to it with Saddam Hussein, the execution, the cell phone videos, the whole ripe-for-conspiracy-theory shebang. Remember, if you can convince enough people that what you imagine is true, you get to write a book, go on well-paid speaking engagements, build a following or even become famous. So pay attention, folks. Here are some seedling conspiracy theories to hang your hat and your future on.

1. SADDAM ISN’T DEAD. THAT WAS HIS DOUBLE. Remember, before and just after we invaded Iraq, there were TV reports that public “appearances” by Saddam were actually appearances by somebody who looked like him? That’s the poor bastard who got hanged, while Saddam was being spirited out of the country so he can set up a regime/operation/insurgency (pick one or more) in exile.

The reason the room was so badly lighted and shaky cell phones were used instead of video cameras was so that we couldn’t get too clear a look at the hanging victim on the gallows or his corpse afterwards. Taunts against “Saddam” were created merely to throw us off course. Iraqui Baathists can use this theory to rally the troops. Rightist American wingnuts can also use it to convince us that the war has to go on forever because Saddam is still “out there.”

2. SADDAM ACTUALLY WAS HANGED, BUT ONLY AMERICANS WERE INVOLVED. This theory can be used to absolve any Islamist of any stripe – Shia or Sunni – from bearing the guilt. That’s the reason all the executioners wore masks – so we wouldn’t recognize the Yank hangmen. Umm, let’s expand this and call them hangmen and women. Or to be politically correct, hangpeople.

The shouted epithets in Arabic were really tape recorded days earlier on the streets of downtown Bagdad, between IED explosions. Some poor schnook of an Iraqui policeman will be arrested and falsely accused of the camera phone videos, to throw the world off the scent of America. He will end up occupying a cell in a prison – American run, of course – next to Lindy England’s cell.

3. NO NO, AMERICA DIDN’T DO IT. ISRAEL DID IT. You want proof? Well, they hanged Eichmann, didn’t they? And they had a motive because Saddam once fired missiles at Israel, sometimes with deadly effect. So what more evidence do you need? This is a handy one especially for Iranian heads of state whose names begin with the letter A, but also for Palestinians and other “anti-Zionists.” Another variation of this theory is that it was the Israelis acting in concert with the Americans. Take your pick.

4. SADDAM WAS HANGED – BUT BY SECRET AL QUIAIDA OPERATIVES EAGER TO INFLAME THE ARAB STREET. Once again, the hooded hangpeople are all the evidence you need. This theory can be used to absolve the United States for turning Saddam over for execution in the first place.

5. SADDAM HANGED HIMSELF – IN HIS OWN CLEVER VARIATION OF SUICIDE BOMBING MARTYRDOM. He figured, “Why rot in a cell when I can inflame the whole Arab world, certain political segments in Europe and who-knows-who-else by appearing to be a martyr? That’ll teach Bush to monkey with me! Forever after, I will be known as Saddam the Martyr and people will attack America in my name.”

Suicide bombing was of course out of the question while Saddam was held prisoner. But he bribed the judges and the courts and the police and everybody else to find him guilty and get him to the gallows on time so he could be a martyr quicker. This is a good one for Iraqis and Americans in search of absolution for the hanging.

6. THERE WAS NO HANGING. THE WHOLE THING WAS PHOTOSHOPPED BY A REALLY BAD RETOUCHER. Conspiracy theorists can review the videos under a microscope, do pixel-by-pixel analysis, and “discover” nearly invisible insets, erasures, a blackened-over klieg light and other “evidence” that the photos and movies are fakes. Why else does his head appear at a funny angle, twisted out of shape?

Over to the rest of you, fellow Conspiracy Theory-Mongers. Write your own theory, or feel free to embellish on mine. Remember, there’s no lie like a big lie.

Unless it’s a bigger one.

Drip-drip-drip–GUSH! Bush “privatization” launches a brain drain at America’s top defense research labs.

Just when you thought there was probably no more damage the Bush administration could do to national security than it has already done, here comes more:

Thanks to a harebrained Republican-Conservative scheme, the nation’s top defense laboratories are sliding hellbent into operation under new management. The only problem is, many of the scientists who work there are now hellbent to get out. And many already have left, creating a massive national defense brain drain.

Why are the scientists and engineers so eager to jump ship?

For starters, the hush-hush research labs (Los Alamos and Lawrence Livermore Laboratories) are getting privatized. Management has been under the auspices of the University of California. But now Los Alamos is reporting to the bubbleheaded bumblers at Bechtel Corporation. And Lawrence Livermore is probably next to become a Bechtel operation after September 30th of this year. http://www.universityofcalifornia.edu/news/labcontract/faqs.html

YES, THAT BECHTEL

We’re talking about the very same, privately-held, Republican politico-connected, shadowy Bechtel screwups who took billions of your tax money for construction projects in Iraq and then fled the country before completing them.

Among the notable Bechtel disasters in Iraq was a children’s hospital. It was heralded as one of the “good things” happening in Iraq by Laura Bush and Condi Rice. But kind of like the Bush “mission accomplished” that didn’t get accomplished, the hospital never got built.

Well hey, Bechtel had an excuse. There were “difficult soil conditions” the company whined. http://www.foreignpolicy.com/story/cms.php?story_id=3628

But let’s get back to Los Alamos and Lawrence Livermore Labs. Under the University of California’s management, some of the nation’s most brilliant physicists and engineers devised ways to bolster the national defense and help make the United States a leader in nuclear technology, space and missile technology and other kinds of critical weaponry.

BUT HEY, TODAY IT’S
“JUST A BUSINESS”

The nutcake Conservative theory was that laboratories such as Los Alamos, the birthplace of the A-bomb, would benefit from privatization because, “Excellence in science is enabled by excellence in business and operations.”

That helpful thought comes from Tyler Przybylek, chairman of a federal panel charged with evaluating contractors bidding for Los Alamos' management. http://www.findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_qn4176/is_20060419/ai_n16158127

But some things, like the national defense and healthcare, are too important to be left to greedy corporations whose first obligation is to make a buck.

So what happened? It’s shocking, but not surprising.

AMERICA’S BEST BRAINS
GET ROYALLY SCREWED

Sooner than you could say “war profiteer,” Bechtel set to work screwing Los Alamos employees out of their pensions.

According to the Oakland, California Tribune of last April 19, “A labor union and four workers contended in a lawsuit Tuesday that the University of California and a UC/Bechtel National-led team were forcing more than 9,000 employees at Los Alamos National Laboratory to swap one of the nation's plushest pensions for lesser benefits and driving workers away from the nuclear-weapons lab.

“At stake is the gold-plated University of California pension that has drawn thousands of workers to design and maintain U.S. nuclear explosives at both Los Alamos and its sister lab, Lawrence Livermore National Laboratory.

“The University Professional and Technical Employees union alleges that the university is violating a commitment written into the state constitution to look after its pensioners, including weapons workers in New Mexico and California.”

The consequence was a lawsuit, with lab employees asking the courts to save their benefits.

WILL THE LAST SCIENTIST WHO LEAVES
PLEASE TURN OUT THE LIGHTS?

Now scientists – particularly employees who have built up some pension equity – are running for the exits.

A scientist at Lawrence Livermore (and no, you’re not getting his name because he hasn’t bailed out yet) told The New York Crank, “We had to make tradeoffs to get those pensions. Many of us are academics who were never allowed to publish because of national security issues.”

An academic who isn't allowed to publish is kind of like a singer who isn’t permitted to perform – except for performances in a top-secret underground bomb shelter, and then only to an audience of six tone-deaf generals and a brain-damaged cabinet officer.

Deprived of the academic acclaim they earned but never got, the only solace of the University of California defense laboratory thinkers was a university pension and university tenure that made professional near-anonymity worthwhile.

Then Bechtel came along. And guess what?

Here’s what, according to that Oakland Tribune article:

“Worker advocates say the new management at Los Alamos has taken away protections enjoyed by the university workers, making them 'at- will' employees, and is pressuring them to accept uncertain future retirement benefits in order to keep their jobs.

"An employee who can get fired on the spot for no reason is not going to speak up for scientific integrity, is not going to speak up if there's a safety problem," said Jelger Kalmijn, the systemwide president of the union.”

Even worse, it turns out, employees in this situation are quitting in droves.

RETIREMENT RATES SOAR

“Uncertainty about benefits and other employment conditions drove retirement rates at Los Alamos 50 percent higher last year than in the past, and Livermore workers predict the same for their lab as it moves into a management competition. The result could be a loss of the scientists, engineers and technicians with the most experience and knowledge of U.S. nuclear explosives.”

Well, according The New York Crank’s source, that’s already happening at Lawrence Livermore, too. And the more experienced the scientists and engineers, the more likely they are to bail, in order to protect their pensions, the Crank was told.

Brilliant! The only worse move the Conservative looneys could have made would have been to sell the labs to North Korea and Iran.

Or are the geniuses of Bush conservatism working on that, too?

GONE FISHING

Yeah, and if you believe that, I have a $20 million stash in Nigeria I'll give you for only 10% if you first tell me your Social Security and bank account numbers.

But I am outta here for a while. The theory is, when you've been cranky in New York for a long time, it's sometimes refreshing to go be cranky somewhere else for a while. So I'm off to the Left Coast for a week of eating, drinking and spending more money than I should, during which I ain't gonna post diddley-squat. There, that should fix things.

Watch for fresh posts a few days from now. Oh, figure January 3. But maybe the 2nd. And maybe the 4th. Or maybe the 5th.

Hey, if I were reliable and predictable, I wouldn't be a crank, would I?

Quick: Automobile is to fender-bender as airplane is to ?????

Pervert-protecting Congressional Sex Nazis to Senior Citizens: “No sex for YOU, you doddering old geezeer!”

It’s as though it happened in the dead of night – and for all I know, maybe it did. Aside from an article in the St. Louis Post-Dispatch (no longer on the web) and an online publication called Senior Journal...
http://www.seniorjournal.com/NEWS/MedicareDrugCards/6-10-18-ErectileDysfunctionDrugs.htm
…the press was largely silent about it. Maybe all those young journalists thought nobody would care.

At any rate, the Crank first heard about it when I got my hands on the letter above – identifying information redacted to protect the impotent – in which AARP/United Healthcare declared that Cialis was no longer on their formulary because “Congress has determined that…” [drugs that treat erectile disfunction] “will be excluded from coverage under Medicare Part D in 2007” So that includes Levitra and Viagra, too.

WAIT A SECOND, WAIT A SECOND!
WHICH CONGRESS IS THIS?
MAYBE IT SHOULD BE CALLED
“THE SEX NAZI CONGRESS”

“No sex for you,” says this Sex Nazi Congress to erectile disfunction sufferers over 65.

Hey gang, this is the same Sex Nazi Congress that covered up for Congressman Mark Foley, who was making buggery attempts at his teen-aged male interns.
http://www.salon.com/opinion/blumenthal/2006/10/05/foley/index_np.html

MURERED MISTRESSES AND
“JUST SAY NO” HYPOCRITES

It’s the same wife-cheating (Remember Congressman Gary Condit and his much younger murdered mistress Chandra Levy?) sometimes wife-beating, frequently divorced Sex Nazi Congress full of self-righteous Republicans who are willing to encourage the spread of AIDS in Africa by ineffectively telling people who’d like to enjoy sex, “Just say no.”
http://www.voanews.com/english/archive/2005-04/2005-04-13-voa78.cfm?CFID=88090774&CFTOKEN=69742925

It's the same Sex Nazi Congress that kowtows to the lunatic fringe of the “Christian Right.” You know, the same Sex Nazi Congress that wants to let the FCC fine television stations $325,000 per incident for profanity that gets uttered on the air in the heat of live events – from wars, to 9/11, to sporting events.
http://www.ucop.edu/irc/services/documents/guidelines.pdf
See, they don't want you to know that soldiers who are under fire or rescue worker who were watching the World Trade Center collapse and snuff out thousands of lives would actually cuss. They want to do all the cussing themselves, whenever they get caught -- almost literally -- with their pants down.

Yes, it's the Republican Sex Nazi Congress that turned a Democrat budget surplus into an eight and a half trillion-and-still-counting-national debt...
http://www.brillig.com/debt_clock/
...that also has authorized, almost without a peep of protest, half a trillion dollars poured down the toilet of two wars that we’re losing simultaneously, one in Iraq and the other in Afghanistan. (We belong in Afghanistan, but thanks to the drained resources getting flushed away Iraq, Afghanistan is rapidly drifting back to the Taliban.)

So these big spending Sex Nazis, who gave themselves eight pay raises in the last nine years...
http://www.congressproject.org/releases/paracoalletrel2001.html
...now want to block senior citizens from getting a $10 or $20 pill maybe once a week so they can have a a few happy moments of sex with their spouses in their retirement years.

These are the very same Sex Nazis who banned negotiating with drug companies for medication – something that could have lowered the cost of Vigara, Cialis and Levitra – and all medications – and made them more affordable to consumers, taxpayers and the Government. Now they say we have to "control" health care costs. How? By denying people health care.

These are the Sex Nazis who promised they’d get government off our backs. Now we’ve got it in our bedrooms.

You no longer have to be gay. You no longer have to be promiscuous. You no longer have to be foreign. Now all you have to be is over 65 – something nearly all of us will experience.

WRITE A LETTER OF PROTEST
TO YOUR CONGRESSIONAL SEX NAZI

You’ll find his, her or it’s address here:
http://www.webcom.com/~leavitt/cong.html

Demand to know where he, she, or it stands on banning erectile disfunction drugs from medical benefit formularies. Remind him or her or it that nearly everybody gets to be 65 unless they drown in New Orleans floods while the Sex Nazis in Congress fiddle, die in Congress-supported wars – or unless the Sex Nazi Congress finally outlaws longevity.

Tell your Congressional Sex Nazis you wanted Medicare to negotiate, negotiate, negotiate damnit – for better drug prices for everyone in America. Tell them that you want ALL legitimately prescribed drugs to be covered by the so-called, confusing, donut-holed “Drug Benefit.”

And if they give you any crap about not wanting the U.S. Government to pay for quality of life medications – remind them about all the raises they gave themselves to improve their own quality of life.

WHO OR WHAT WILL FALL
VICTIM TO THEM NEXT?

What quality of life or care benefit will the Sex Nazi Congress cut for the rest of America next?

Will they eliminate wheelchairs because that improves the quality of life of paraplegics?

Will they cut oxygen for people who want their quality of life improved by being able to breathe better?

SHORT ON TIME? JUST SEND YOUR
CONGRESSIONAL SEX NAZI THIS
BLOG ARTICLE

You don’t have to compose your own letter if you don’t have time. Just copy this blog article into an e-mail addressed to your Sex Nazi Congressman. Or give your Sex Nazi the URL

And let the Sex Nazis in Congress know that if they won’t act, they can all go to Heil.

New York and San Francisco swap weather. Astrophysicist says it’s because the universe has turned inside out.

New York (Dec. 18) - New York and San Francisco have exchanged weather patterns in what an obscure astrophysicist, working in a Greenwich Village basement laboratory, calls “a balloon or bellybutton inversion.”

The weather in New York today was 65 degrees and cloudy, typical of San Francisco this time of year. Meanwhile, in San Francisco, the weather for a while dipped down to a New-York-In-December 36 degrees and windy, with bright New York sunshine.

Simultaneously, New Yorkers began acting increasingly laid-back. A man on a bus stood up for a pregnant woman. On the same bus, an out-of-towner dropped two dollars in nickels and dimes into the fare box and the driver said, “Thank you, man, that’s very cool.”

A few hours later, during rush hour in San Francisco, a native tired of waiting for the Van Ness bus loudly loudly muttered several unprintable epithets and stomped off downtown on foot.

While investigating this phenomenon, The New York Crank stopped for coffee at Reggio, one of the last authentic Greenwich Village Italian cafés that hasn’t been put out of business by Starbucks. In the café, located on MacDougal Street, he struck up a chat with Herschel Harshbarger, PhD., who described himself as a freelance astrophysicist. Harshbarger, it turned out, has a theory about what’s going on. The universe, he declared, has turned inside out.

BALLOONS, INSIDE-OUTEDNESS
AND A LOT OF BROW-FURROWING MATH

The New York Crank replied, “I don’t get it,” whereupon Harshbarger whipped a small yellow balloon out of his pocket. He lay the balloon on the marble table next to his cappuccino, with the mouth of the balloon pointed left.

“It’s a matter of topology,” he said. Harshbarger explained that topology is a study of the geometry of the surface of changing shapes, which didn’t seem to help explain anything, but he kept on explaining.

“Watch this,” Harshbarger said. With a long pair of pincers he reached into the balloon and turned it inside-out, laying it back on the table. “Now, as you see, the mouth of the balloon, which had been pointing left is pointing right. All bodies and spheres in the skin of the balloon which had been oriented right-left are now oriented left-right.

“If we can assume that Earth is part of the topological skin of the balloon, then everything on earth has been reversed. This explains why New York and San Francisco have exchanged climates,” he said.

CAUSE FOR ALARM

Ever-alert, The New York Crank asked whether this “topological inversion” as Harshbarger called it justified the Lunatic Conservative movement’s insistence that pollution and the loss of rain forests are not causing climatic change.

“On the contrary,” Harshbarger insisted, “it is entirely possible that heat rising from formerly forested areas, plus the growing emission of greenhouse gasses have distorted the balloon, thus causing the inversion.”

“It’s as if you were made so sick by pollution that you turned inside-out from the locus of your bellybutton,” Harshbarger said.

BUT THERE’S REASON
FOR OPTIMISM, TOO

According to Harshbarger, there is currently so much temperature fluctuation on earth that the topological surface of the universe is in flux, rather like a balloon that expands, contracts and changes shape as the air inside it is heated and expands, then cools and causes deflation.

“Things look very hot in New York today,” Harshbarger said, “but they could cool down tomorrow, just as San Francisco chills out by heating up.”

Harshbarger did some elaborate computations on the back of a napkin (adjacent to text) that he said, “confirm the fluxness of the situation in a topological sense.”

Bystanders, some of whom seemed to have stopped by from the nearby Institute of Mathematics at New York University, seemed impressed.

“That’s the most extraordinary napkin I’ve seen in years,” one of them said.

Get off that bread line, Stupid. You’re NOT starving. You’re merely experiencing “very low food security.”

Among the many sick and dirty tricks dreamed up by the Bush administration, the sickest have been their attempts to make problems go away by re-naming them or changing the meaning of everyday language.

That’s how losing in Iraq came to be known as “winning.”

That’s how having no quantifiable goal whatsoever in that country got recast first as “mission accomplished” and then as the promise that, “we’ll stay until we complete the mission.”

That’s how torturing people by nearly drowning them over and over again got redefined by Vice-President Chaney as “a dunk in the water.” http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/10/27/AR2006102700560.html

ADMINISTRATION BRAINSTORM: IF WE
RENAME “STARVATION” MAYBE PEOPLE
WON’T KNOW THEY’RE STARVING

Now the Bushnik political hacks at the U.S. Department of Agriculture are about to completely “eliminate” starvation in America. They’ll do it simply by renaming what ails the hungry.

I’m going to let Liz Krueger, a member of the New York State Senate, put it her own way. The following are excerpts from a recent letter to her constituents:

“A glaring change in this year's USDA report is that they have decided to stop using the term ‘hunger’ to describe hungry people. From now on, the most desperately poor Americans—11 million people! — who show ‘multiple indications of disrupted eating patterns and reduced food intake’ will instead be defined as facing ‘very low food security.’ In other words, they are hungry.

“Note to the Feds: You cannot define away the very real problems of poverty and hunger facing millions of Americans by changing the terminology.”

YES, THIS REALLY IS
HAPPENING IN AMERICA!

Krueger, who has worked in emergency food pantries, soup kitchens and food banks, has harrowing memories of what she saw:

“… panicked mothers telling me about having to put their children to bed without dinner; of parents admitting they skipped meals so their children could eat. There were endless conversations with people who were forced to use their food money to pay rent and utilities to avoid eviction and homelessness. There were poor seniors who told me of the humiliation of digging through garbage bins behind supermarkets…

“Too many conversations ended with people breaking down in tears because they were wrongly rejected for Food Stamps or because they realized that even with Food Stamps, their benefits would not last a full month. There is nothing hypothetical about families facing the reality that the need to pay for an emergency prescription is going to result in many missed meals for weeks to come.”

YOUR HEAD ACHES, YOUR
STOMACH HURTS, YOUR CHILDREN WEEP?
OH, JUST SNAP OUT OF IT.

Krueger continues, “All of these people were facing or experiencing ‘hunger’ -- the kind that brings headaches, causes your stomach to hurt, leaves children and seniors much more likely to get sick, unable to concentrate, angry and/or depressed—real physical and emotional consequences of ‘hunger.’ They were not feeling "insecure" about food -- makes it sound like a Dr. Phil topic of the week. ‘I'm feeling a bit insecure about food today...can we talk?’

“The U.S. is the most affluent country in the world and yet, our federal government spends time and money altering our vocabulary, instead of fixing our problems. Let's stop playing with words and decrease the shame of hunger in America. A few easy ways to start:

“1) Strengthen the Food Stamp Program in the upcoming Federal Farm Bill -- make the application process easier, increase benefit levels, provide flexibility to expand outreach and enrollment incentives to states.

“2) Connect more children to child nutrition programs, such as school breakfast, summer meals, child care food and after-school snacks and meals.

“3) Boost family incomes through strategies like an increased minimum wage and refundable tax credits for low-income workers.

“4) Expand funding for meal programs for low-income Seniors, particularly deliveries to homebound elderly and disabled.”

But Liz, Liz – do you actually think programs like this will come from those wonderful Bush administration folks who brought you “very low food security?”

Don’t hold your breath.

Wunderman, once a distinguished direct marketing advertising agency, hits a new low in taste

“We are in the business of using language persuasively,” says Lester Wunderman, founder of the advertising agency that bears his name.

“We constantly search for those appropriate and explicit words and phrases that will arouse interest and trigger action.

“When we do that, we are not just another part of our industry but of a special and unique group of imaginative and sensitive individuals who constantly strive to create effective, persuasive and even, on occasion, beautiful prose and poetry.” http://lesterchroniclesblog.wunderman.com/

That's mighty hifalutin’ talk for a guy whose company made its bones churning out junk mail and those 800-number TV commercials. But at least the thought seemed to have some validity when Lester was actually minding the store. In better times the Wunderman agency had a reputation for being a class act – or at least as much of a class act as you can have in the direct marketing business.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
LESTER HAS LEFT THE BUILDING

These days Lester, now “way up there” in years, is no longer running the place. Oh sure, he still helps front for the agency and even writes a blog for it, from which I’ve taken his comments on sensitive individuals and beautiful poetry. But one glance at the advertising associated with the shop tells you that somebody less august than Lester is running the place today.

Take the ad shown above, for KnowledgeBase Marketing®, which proudly bills itself as “a Wunderman company.” Was this vulgar piece of poop-in-your-face communication written at some far-away subsidiary office (say in Dallas) or at the Wunderman nerve center at 285 Madison Avenue in New York?

It doesn’t matter. Either way somebody in top management was snoozing at the switch when the ad got approved – and remains asleep at the switch even today. After all, the ad has run over and over again in direct marketing trade magazines. Presumably, agency management reads the trades about their own industry. Or can they read?

They certainly can’t read well enough to recognize bad writing when it smacks them in the chops. The author of this ad has a wee bit of trouble with his syntax. He means to say you should talk to KnowledgeBase Marketing if you’re having trouble increasing the percentage of readers and viewers who respond to your advertising. Instead, tangled in a web of ain’t-I-clever puns and mangled metaphors, he writes, “If upping your response rate is keeping you awake at night, talk to us. Rest assured, you’ll see your prospects in a whole new light.”

Well, at least you can figure out without gnashing your teeth what he means to say.

SORRY, YOU’LL HAVE GRIT YOUR TEETH
TO PLOW THROUGH THIS NEXT BIT

It’s a bit more of a brow-wrinkling exercise to plow through the Wunderman ad agency website. Getting through the prose there is like paddling against a current of molten tar. You’ll discover juicy tidbits such as:

“Customer data yield the insights and knowledge we need to help clients create meaningful customer dialogues in every media and at every customer opportunity. And we do it with a creative flair. Wunderman conceives, builds and runs the infrastructures around the communications we develop -research, databases, campaign management tools, all of it. We immerse ourselves in our clients' infrastructures as well, to become a total marketing partner.” http://www.wunderman.com/working/53.asp

THE DADA OF ADVERTISING
AT WUNDERMAN

Nevermind that the Wunderman website’s techno-jargon brutally obfuscates whatever the hell it is they’re trying to say. (Yeah, yeah, you’ve probably decoded it if you read it carefully enough, but did you want to?)

Pretentiously fuzzy communication was on the verge of becoming the dominant discipline at Wunderman some years ago, when some fool briefly changed their honorable company name to “Impiric.” Eventually, wiser heads changed the name back and saved the agency from its neo-Dadaist approach to self-branding.

A brief aside: once upon a time there was a direct marketing advertisement for the mail order Sherwin Cody School of English. Written by the late John Caples, an advertising copywriter who truly knew how to write clearly and compellingly, the ad’s headline asked its readers, “Do you make these common mistakes in English?”

Maybe that ad ought to be required reading for every Wunderman employee.

AND ONE MORE THING:
A POST SCRIPT ON PLAGIARISM

P.S. The Wunderman “up yours” headline can’t even claim the virtue of originality. Back in the 1950s, a New York subway car poster featured a clean-cut guy wearing a skinny tie and a snap brim hat, holding up three fingers. The headline, for an interest-bearing bank account, read, “I upped my income 3% last year. Up yours!”

An old advertising pro, now deceased, once confided in me that he was part of the mischievous team at the Ted Bates advertising agency that created that first Up Yours ad. And yes, they absolutely understood that they had written a double entendre. They wanted to see if they could get away with it, he told me. The joke was meant to be on the client. But with the passage of years, he at least had the good sense to feel slightly ashamed of himself.

These days, the joke is on the agency that panders to the mentality of an 11-years-old juvenile delinquent who has just learned a vulgar new phrase.

Radioactive poison? Hey, it’s good for the restaurant business.

So Colonel Alexander Litvinenko, the whistle blowing Russian spy, died of Polonium poisoning after dining with his buddies in a London restaurant, and now some of his dinner companions are also poisoned.

Investigators found the poisoning came from radioactive Polonium, which somehow made it into either Litvinenko's sushi, or his cocktail, or his cigarette. Since then, Geiger counters have been going off all over London. Creepy, right?

Nah, not in Sheffield, England, where a restaurant called Polonium is doing a pack-‘em’in business since the poisoning scandal. http://www.breitbart.com/news/2006/12/04/061205005849.uzua3100.html

An otherwise undistinguished restaurant hasn’t done this well on horrifying publicity since the mob rubout of Crazy Joe Gallo at Umberto’s Clam House here in New York’s Little Italy. The restaurant lived on its bad reputation for years.

There’s nothing like a slight frisson of deathly fear to enhance a meal, whether it’s fear of Polonium poisoning or of a stray mafia bullet. And the French think wine is the appetite-enhancing aperitif? Lillet is lovely, but it's no match for a dead customer.

Somehow all this brings to mind the ancient limmerick:

A diner while dining in Crewe
Found quite a large mouse in his stew;
Said the waiter, “Don’t shout and wave it about
Or the rest will be wanting one, too.”