Bing! Bang! Boom! You’re dead! He’s dead! She’s dead! Everybody’s dead! (But it’s worth it for the great swag I got from the NRA!)

            I mean, isn’t this cool stuff worth a few measly lives?

 

News from all over!

 

•In France, a 25 year old Brit who had been living in France got to die in France near his home there, when a hunter “mistook him for a boar.” The English guy was chopping wood in front of his house when the hunter’s bullet whacked him. Hey, I totally get it. A guy with an axe chopping logs looks exactly like a tusked pig with four legs digging for truffles. No need to explain any further.

 

•Near Metairie, LA, at a place called the Jefferson Gun Outlet, some dude with a gun entered, which seems logical to me. But then, according to news reports, the dude started squeezing the trigger, and it would seem that he was shooting at live people, not targets. Whereupon, the armed staff and customers began shooting back at the dude. Holy flying bullets, Batman! In the end, two men and a woman were dead, two of them customers. Well, three of them customers if you count the dude who allegedly started shooting first. 

 

•Back to France, somewhere else in France where — whee! — a shooter nailed another Englishman. Well, a Welshman, but even so. See, the Welshman was riding his bicycle on a popular route in the French Alps, when the hunter nailed him. And you’ll never guess what this Frenchmen said. You ready for it?

 

Right! You’re right! He said that when he plugged the biking Welshman, he thought he was shooting a boar. Whoever the guy is in France who’s been training boars to chop wood and ride ten speeds, he must be a genius.

 

•Back to the USA,  stats last year revealed that 92 people were killed unintentionally by kids as of October,  2020. 

 

•Of course, that’s a piffle compared to the total number of gun-related deaths in the USA in 2018. (39,740 of them.) I have been unable to determine how many of those people killed by guns were mistaken for boars. Or how many were riding bicycles.

 

Which brings me to a letter from the NRA. It popped up in my e-mail this week. It’s way too long to quote in full. Take my word that most of it seems intended to convince you that mild-mannered Joe Biden is secretly Satan incarnate, complete with horns, a tail, and claws that have specially evolved to grab guns from Second Amendment true believers. But here are some of the juicy bits, in italics:

Dear Crank,

 

No matter what kind of firearm you own, Joe Biden’s anti-gun agenda is aimed squarely at YOU.

 

Who? Moi?

 

Joe Biden has said flat-out that he wants to LICENSE you, REGISTER your guns, punish you with huge gun and ammo TAXES, and RATION the number of firearms you’re allowed to buy.

 

Well, no wonder people are taking umbrage! All those SCREAMING CAPITAL LETTERS! They turn the NRA into a howling ringer for Kimberly Guilfoyle!

 

Besides, what’s the point of standing next to a nuclear reactor until my DNA mutates, and then growing 25 arms, if I can’t have a gun in each arm? See what I mean?

 

Crank, Joe Biden is coming for the guns in your gun safe right now.

 

Well, NRA, they’re sure as hell not going to get any guns from my safe. I leave all my weaponry out on the coffee table so the kids can play with them. Not to mention that they're handier there for shooting wild boar from the living room window whenever the boars bike by.

 

And hey, the NRA's letter told me that if I start my membership before a deadline, I’ll get my "CHOICE" of an NRA pocketknife with a handle made out of exactly the same kind of wood they make gun stocks from. Wow, wow, wow!

Or if the wood-handled pocket knife doesn’t float my boat, I can choose instead  a "3-in-1 Rechargeable NRA flashlight," an NRA Insignia Cap, or an NRA “Camo Duffel Bag,” possibly so I can go unseen to the next insurrection in Washington.

 

I’m sold, NRA. But you’ll have to excuse me now. A friend just called and told me that any minute, a whole bunch of boars wearing bicycle jerseys are going to come pedaling past my window. So lock and load!