Monday, August 10, 2020

Five fresh nightmares dreamed here during the Trump Presidency

If this is how you feel things are looking, 
maybe it's because that's how they're looking.

Caveats: Some nightmares may not be ephemeral. Your fright may vary. If uncertain whether your nightmares are real, stop dreaming and see seek psychiatric counseling immediately. Let your doctor know if you have been to a country where certain fungus infections can be treated without inflicting bankruptcy on the patient. 

1. Rumors of murder circulate, saying that the kids who were taken off the streets of Portland and pushed into unmarked vans by unmarked government agents in military garb are dead. According to the rumors, the kids were forced to board military transport aircraft and then dropped into the Pacific Ocean, on orders of the Trump administration. The rumors are vigorously denied by the White House until one of the missing demonstrators, a former college swimming champ, shows up in Maui claiming the bubble wrap he was wearing under his clothing during the protest to cushion the impact of rubber bullets and police batons served as the equivalent of water wings. He states that they kept him afloat while he backstroked to the island. The next day, Tucker Carlson makes an impassioned plea to outlaw bubble wrap, calling it “the secret weapon of the radical left and the Antifa movement,” but adding, “On the other hand I have to hand it to that kid. He sure can swim!” Inexplicably, Carlson disappears the next day. 

2. Putin and Trump in the buff: Donald Trump is in his bedroom at his Bedminster, NJ golf club, exchanging nude selfies with Vladimir Putin in Moscow. Suddenly, 50 tons of ammonium nitrate that were carelessly stored in the club’s kitchen, for a future golf green fertilization project, get ignited when a newly-minted junior assistant chef’s shashlik on a flaming sword flames out of control and sets fire to one of the bags in which the ammonium nitrate is stored. The explosion causes Trump to levitate out of bed and then fall back down on it from the ceiling, breaking six ribs. Trump responds by blaming Hillary Clinton and issuing an executive order locking down “any place where Democrats congregate.” Nancy Pelosi gets arrested by the new Super-Triple-Secret National Police Force. Three days later she is found floating in a lake, alive, thanks to having been wrapped in bubble wrap by obliging Customs and Border Patrol cops wearing army camo.

3. Blue collar Liberty. While Jerry Fallwell Jr. is on a leave of absence from Liberty University for an unspecified length of time, following the scandalous release of a photograph of himself and a young women, both with their pants halfway down aboard a yacht, the University decides to give higher education “to people who otherwise wouldn’t have any” and offers majors in non-traditional university subjects such as carpentry; heating, ventilating and air conditioning; plumbing; and welding.  Oh wait

4. Mount Trumpmore. Donald Trump tries to get his likeness carved on Mount Rushmore next to those of Washington, Jefferson, Theodore Roosevelt and Abraham Lincoln. Oh wait

5. Elections “unnecessary.”  One week before the 2020 Presidential elections, Donald Trump cancels elections “to control the Chinese virus” and declares himself “President For Life By Popular Acclaim.” The U.S. Supreme Court, in a six-to-three decision, upholds Trump’s coup. Justice Clarence Thomas, writing for the majority, states, “Forcing people to vote when it would be unhealthy to do so, whether after standing in a line at a crowded polling place, or by handling paper mail-in-ballots that have been touched by God-knows-who is prima facie unconstitutional. Therefore, we must reluctantly agree that an election at this time, or possibly at any time, should be set aside."

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