Sunday, January 31, 2021

Space Lasers of the Lost Ark and Other Nightmarish Visions Caused by Psychedelic Current Events

 A laser-launching space ship captain watching out for Marjorie Taylor Greene

 Sorry that I’ve been missing from this blog for more than a week. I’ve been tripping. A friend revealed that these days you can zonk out merely by soaking newspapers in water, then blotting up the weird news and sucking on it.

“Current events will trip you into the stratosphere,” said my old hippy friend, who I hadn’t seen since 1968.

I tried it, and here are some of the visions I’ve been tripping out on since. 

Marjorie Taylor Greene, the Georgia Congresswoman and quintessential mean girl, who evidently knows where all the best magic mushrooms are buried, as evidenced by her declaration that California forest fires are caused by “Jewish lasers” in outer space, stands up in Congress and repeats her charges. She has barely finished when a giant green beam penetrates a window of the Capitol and slices her in half.

The unfortunately consequence of this is that now there are two Marjorie Taylor Greene Congresswomen talking about Jewish space lasers. 

The Donald Trump Combination Death Machine and Corn Popper Arrives. One of Donald Trump’s final vindictive acts was to alter Federal regulations so that capital prisoners may now — or at least until President Biden reverses the order — be executed by hanging, the gas chamber, a firing squad, or the electric chair. In a horrible vision that woke me in the middle of the night screaming, Donald Trump was sentenced to death by electrocution. But that’s not the part that woke me up and made me scream. 

It seems that after they led Trump to the chair, strapped him down and blindfolded him, somebody filled his mouth with unpopped popping corn. And when they threw the switch…

Well, the popping noise alone was horrible. A geyser of fresh popcorn shot out of Donald Trump’s head into baskets that had been placed on the floor around the electric chair. When the execution was over, everybody scooped up a bucket of the stuff and went to the movies. And damn if I didn’t end up watching Freddy Kreuger doing his chain saw massacres again. That’s when I started screaming.

The My Pillow Guy becomes the plaintiff in a class action suit after it’s discovered that his pillows contain lightweight, easily-inhaled microchips that after one night’s sleep not only record our every movement but also record our conversations and relay them to a powerful computer buried deep in a Colorado mountain. There, Donald Trump’s agents sort through what we’ve said and transmit any anti-Trump utterance to the Proud Boys.

The plot is unmasked after the Proud Boys fatally beat up a little old lady who in her sleep muttered “Screw Trump and the daughter he rode in on!” An inhaled microchip records the beating and six Proud boys are tried, sentenced, and end up contributing ten thousand dollars worth of popcorn to the national economy. Weeks later, the My Pillow Guy ends up on television selling popcorn-filled pillows.

A mad scientist steals frozen embryos and then surreptitiously injects them into the noses of Ted Cruz, Josh Hawley, Marco Rubio, Lindsey Graham, and Steve Scalise. Within a few months, it becomes plainly and tragically evident that all these lawmakers are now pregnant ectopically, and that if they do not have abortions their noses will explode. But when they seek an abortive procedure, a fuddy-duddy sheriff shuts down the abortion clinic they are visiting and arrests everybody for “attempted murder.”

“I don’t know what they were snorting, but these pre-verts aren’t going to kill innocent babies just because their noses are stuffy,” says the sheriff.

Fortunately for Cruz, Hawley et al, the case is rushed through the legal system to the Supreme Court which rules that “these pregnancies are not natural” and that therefore the abortions are not really abortions but “corrective surgical procedures” that may, in fact, proceed. 

Three weeks after that, Cruz, Hawley, Rubio, Graham and Scalise are again seen in Washington, with remarkably tiny noses. They bristle when Nancy Pelosi says, “I see you boys have had some work done.”

A month after that  a woman with an ectopic pregnancy of the nose is refused permission for an abortion by the Supreme Court, which rules that the “not natural” condition it previously ruled on was pregnancy of men, not pregnancy of the nose

1 comment:

Comrade Misfit said...

That UFO driver has a resemblance to Mitch McConnell.