NAME: Big Bird
SEX: Ambiguous. May be a gay male, a female with a suspicious voice, a transsexual, a Democrat or worse yet, a liberal-progressive-deficit-loving-Democrat.
DISTINGUISHING MARKS: Feathers. Yellow beak. Long spindly legs. Pronouncedly awkward gait.
WANTED FOR: Grand theft, intellectual, for singlehandedly hijacking the budget of the United States of America. Subverting children.
MODUS OPERANDI: Spends inordinate lengths of time hanging around places where chldren gather. While appearing to fuss about awkwardly and sing and dance, Big Bird has singlehandedly raised the national budget deficit by over a gazillion trillion dollars. He has put millions of people out of work, has crashed banks, caused companies to fail, and encouraged millions of lazy and dependent Americans to seek food stamps. On or about the beginning of January, 2009, Big Bird, backed by unknown terrorist nations, did willfully siphon off 99 percent of the nation' gross national product. May be backed by terrorist organizations. For all we know, when not on television he plants IEDs in Iraq.
ARMED AND DANGEROUS: One presidential candidate has put out a life-or-death price on Big Bird's head, which may cause subject Bird to react violently if attempts to apprehend this creature are made. Big Bird may have to be taken out with a drone. If elected President, Mitt Romney will devote all necessary national resources to this effort.
DO NOT APPREHEND ALONE: If spotted, contact local law enforcement authorities.
REMEMBER: IF YOU SEE SOMETHING, SAY NOTHING. OR MITT WILL COME AND GET YOU
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