Friday, September 04, 2020

Heading for a violent street demonstration? Don’t leave home without your bag of soup. Here’s a surefire recipe for The Crank’s Not-Quite-Beef-Bourguignon Soup + Yummy Stew dinner.

A soldier gravely wounded by cream of asparagus soup 
during WWI gets treated by medics.
By now probably everybody is aware of this, because Donald Trump has told us about it. Large groups of Antifa troublemakers, clad completely in black uniforms so that nobody will notice them, at least not in the dark shadows, are boarding airplanes and heading for big cities to burn them down and riot.

Not only that, but they’re hurling soup! The bastards! So you know what comes next. Pretty soon  Homeland Security agents will be searching your baggage at the airport not for weapons, not for explosives, but for soup cans. Or maybe, as Trump tells us, even bags of soup.

Fortunately, you can make your own soup, without ever coming near a can. Here’s a recipe for my very own Not-Quite-Beef-Bourguignon Soup. And as an added bonus, a useful and very tasty byproduct of this weapon of street warfare is my cranky Not-Quite-Beef-Bourguignon beef stew for six.

What you’ll need to perpetrate
Beef Bourguignon-based violence:

1 teabag (any flavor tea)
1 nail file
1 12-to-25-inch length of unwaxed, unflavored dental floss
1 heavy steel-headed hammer with at least one flat side on its head
1 small plastic bag
1 large covered pot or Dutch Oven
Parsley flakes
Bay leaves
2-4 tablespoons of olive oil
2 large white onions
1 bag (roughly the size of the two onions or slightly larger) of peeled baby carrots
1 ½ to 2 lbs. of beef chuck, stewing beef or brisket, cut into roughly 1-inch squares
8 ounces or so of tomato basil sauce
2 cloves of garlic
6 beef bullion cubes
3 cups of water
2/3rds bottle of red table wine, preferably Burgundy


1.  Using the nail file, very, very carefully pry open the staple that holds the tea bag closed. Discard the staple before the cat or some human idiot accidently swallows it. Also discard the tea leaves. All you want is the bag.

2. Very gently, being careful not to tear the bag, fill it with ¼ teaspoonful of thyme, ¼ teaspoonful of parsley flakes and two  bay leaves. If the bay leaves are too big to fit, it’s okay to break them into smaller pieces. 

3. Tie the tea bag tightly closed with the dental floss and set aside.

4. Slice the garlic cloves and set the slices aside.

5. Slice onions into quarters or eighths and set aside.

6. Put the  bullion cubes into the plastic bag. Seal the bag. Then whack the cubes with the hammer until they’re pulverized into small pieces or into a powder. If it’ll make you feel better, you can imagine you’re whacking Boogaloo Boyz heads. You can’t go to jail for what you’re thinking in this country. Not yet, anyway.

7. Put the olive oil at the bottom of the pot, set pot on a medium flame, and brown the beef on all sides. Remove the browned beef from the pot and discard the olive oil and the fat rendered from the beef.

8. Add to the pot: The water. The wine. The pulverized bullion cubes. The sliced garlic cloves. The tomato basil sauce. The browned beef. The onions. The baby carrots. Finally, add the spice-filled tea bag, but leave a good length of dental floss hanging outside the pot. 

9. Cover the pot and bring  to a boil over a high flame, then lower the flame and allow the contents of the pot to simmer for 90 minutes, stirring occasionally. After the first 40 minutes, yank out the teabag (that’s why you left the string hanging over the side) and discard before the beef bougignon gets too spicy or bitter.

This makes a Not-Quite-Beef-Bourguignon stew that serves four to six violent Antifa revolutionaries, with approximately a pint of soup left over.  (When it’s served on the meat it’s sauce. When it’s served separately, it’s soup.) 

Serve the stew over flat noodles or boiled potatoes with a little bit of sauce. You can freeze the remaining soup into bricks and bring them to your next demonstration. Or just leave them unfrozen to fling at Q-Anons and Boogaloo Boyz and see if they’ll start licking each others' faces.

See you at the revolution. Or as Julia Child used to say, Bon Apétit! And be sure to wear your black uniform.

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