Thursday, July 24, 2008

Mystic evil fortune teller curses John McCain and Bob Novak with powerful psychic ding

It’s been a while – almost a year and a month, in fact – since this blog last paid a visit to Mme. Galzogorist, the fortune-telling seer on one of Manhattan's grittiest commercial blocks. She's the one who has the power to dispense psychic dings. A psychic ding is the kind of curse that causes less-than-loveable people to feel severe mental anguish.

Or to look stupid.

So when I checked out the TV news recently, and heard about John McCain whining about Barack Obama's foreign travels, I figured Mme. Galzogorist had to be behind it.

Right I was. Here’s a transcript of my latest interview with my local fortune teller, mystic, seer, and bad mojo witch.

CRANK: Good to see you again, Mme. Galzogorist.

MME G: Watch where you’re walking. Don’t step on the dog.

CRANK: Certainly. I’ve come to ask you…

MME. G: Or the cat.

CRANK: Let me get right down to it. Did you give John McCain a psychic ding?

MME. G: Well I certainly didn’t give him a psychic dong. That guy has absolutely nothing that could point this nation out of the war, out of the economic mess we're in, or even out of his own tangled verbal underwear.

CRANK: Why are you taking it out on the poor senator?

MME G: Because he’s a whiner. He whined, whined, whined that Barack Obama had never visited Iraq. Waa waa waa! Then Obama goes to Iraq and McCain whines, whines, whines about Obama’s traveling. I also sense rumors that McCain's sore at Obama getting so much press coverage. I mean, what did he expect would happen? McCain asked for it and he got it. Lie down in dog poop, wake up smelly. He has no right to complain. So I dinged him.

CRANK: Did you ding McCain on the economy, too?

MME G: McCain dings himself on the economy every time he opens his mouth. Not to mention looking like an idiot when he tries to explain the history of the surge. His campaign theme song ought to be a takeoff on that 1958 doo-wop song.

Don’t know much about history
Don’t know ‘bout the economy

Don’t know much about a science book

Don’t know much about the French I took…
You can find all the original lyrics and download them for a Republican ring tone just by clicking on this link. Come to think of it, that could be George Bush’s theme song, too. Or the full verbatim text of the Republican platform.

CRANK: So do you think Obama’s going to win the election?

MME. G: Situation is cloudy. Ask again later.

CRANK: Why has Obama slipped in the polls?

MME G: I could give you a smart-aleck answer, such as, “Americans have an infinite capacity for voting against their own self-interest and wishes.” But all I’ll say officially is, “Situation is cloudy. Ask again later.”

CRANK: Did you also ding Bob Novack, the syndicated columnist?

MME G: You mean the guy who outed an active CIA operative, Valerie Plame, endangering the lives of CIA assets? If you’re talking about his hit-and-run of a pedestrian with his sports car in the nation’s capital, and his claim that he simply didn’t notice hitting a guy so hard that the poor victim ended up with casts on his neck and back, nah, I didn’t cause that ding. It was the pedestrian who dinged Novack’s Corvette, by allowing himself to get hit-and-run by Novack. Vroom vroom.

CRANK: How big is the ding?

MME G: I don’t know. But if Novack put the poor hit-and-run victim in the hospital, I imagine the ding is bigger than a dime. Somebody ought to go out and take a picture of the car before the damage disappears like, oh, a few million incriminating White House e-mails. Where are the paparazzi now that we need them?

CRANK: Will you be dinging any more politicians before the November elections. Say, by causing one of them to make a major gaffe?

MME G: Situation is cloudy. Ask again later.

CRANK: Thank you, Mme. Galzogorist.

MME G: Watch out! How many times do I have to tell you – don’t step on the cat!

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