Thursday, February 20, 2020

Pope Donald I proffers papal indulgences. Drug cartel hippo poop pollutes hapless lake. Bloomberg’s Turbo-fib. Fate bites Senator Susan Collins’ butt. Plus 3 headlines to hope for.

Emotional support animal? I'll get to that  right after
Rob Blagojevich. So start reading

As Blago goes, so goes the nation. 

Oh look!  Rod Blagojevich, the former governor of Illinois, now white haired and sporting a prison pallor after eight years in the jug, stood before the press showing all the remorse of a pit viper who had just bitten and swallowed a large and rather tasty rodent.

Blago had been sentenced to 14 years for corruptly trying to sell Barack Obama’s Senate seat after Obama had been elected President. Donald Trump just pardoned him. Here are a few nuggets of — dare I call it “Blagovian” self pity? — from the middle of a New York Times story by Julie Bosman:
He described himself as a “freed political prisoner” and said he hoped “to turn an injustice into a justice.”And he spoke of his eight years in prison, the solitary nights behind “the iron door that can shut you in, a small window with bars on it, and a bunk bed.” 
“I slept on the top bunk,” Mr. Blagojevich recalled. “Often late at night I would look through that window and past those bars out into the night sky and I’d think of home, I’d think of my children, I’d think of Patti. Sometimes I could almost feel her near me,” he said.
Hey, as they say where I come from, if you do the crime, you do the time. But Blago had his time sliced in half thanks to the pardon from Trump, who lately has been flinging Presidential pardons around like the late John D. Rockefeller flung dimes. Among still other crooked recipients of Trumpian largesse were Bernie Kerik, New York’s crooked former police commissioner; and Michael R. Milliken, the former inside trader and junk bond impresario. One wonders if there’s any, umm, quid pro youknow involved. 

Some people think Trump is acting as if he thinks he’s the king. My own theory is, he’s way past that. Now he thinks he’s the Pope, and he’s handing out papal indulgences. Unless, of course, it turns out that he’s selling them, like Pope Leo X back in 1517. Hey, a buck’s a buck.

The good that men do dies with them. 
The evil pollutes lakes. 

A case of post-mortem pollution in point: the late Colombian drug lord, Pablo Escobar. He was, when he lived, prima facie proof that even a multi-millionaire (or perhaps billionaire) gangster needs an emotional support animal. Or in Escobar’s case, whole herds of them.

Perhaps Pablo’s most prominent support critters were his pet hippopotami, which he kept in a Columbian lake. For more on this I refer you to Jessica Leigh Hester’s article in Atlas Obscura, “Pablo Escobar’s Hippo Herd is Treating Colombia’s Lakes Like One Big Toilet.” Among the info you never thought you’d need or want to know, Hester’s article tells us:
The hippopotamus is native to sub-Saharan Africa and grazes on land but spends most of its life in water, and treats rivers and lakes as big toilets. Each year, a single hippo can dump more than 1,650 pounds of carbon and other nutrients into the water—and it does so mainly by pooping, says Jonathan Shurin, an ecologist at the University of California, San Diego.
Escobar is dead, but his rapidly multiplying herds of hippo are now polluting Colombia’s waterways. And there’s no end of this shit in sight.

Bloomberg’s Turbo fib. With the implicit suggestion that he was acting like Donald Trump, Michael Bloomberg was asked during Wednesday’s debate why it was taking him so long to release his taxes. Well, blubbered Bloomberg, his taxes are so terribly complex, you see, that you can’t just use Turbo Tax. No no, Mike. You don’t need Turbo Tax, or a team of accountants. These are tax returns that you’ve already filed with the IRS. All you need to make them public is a Xerox machine to photocopy the copies you were required to retain. Then hand out copies to the press. So cut the hippocrap.

Spineless Susan suffers serious setback in polls. After voting to affirm the appointment of Brett Kavanaugh to the Supreme Court, Senator Susan Collins (Republican) of Maine declared that her approval of the extreme right-wing, beer guzzling, accused girl molester demonstrated that she’s a “centerist.”

“I’m an important voice for the nation in an increasingly polarized environment,” she said. “There are so few members left in the center.”

Yeah, sure. Next this “in the center” Senator from Maine voted to acquit already-impeached Trump of his crimes and misdemeanors, declaring that he had learned his lesson. Right, and that lesson is, grab everything you can, from pussies to quid pro quos with both hands and bully the living bejesus out of anybody who stands in your way. However, even in rock-ribbed Republican Maine, voters aren’t buying Collins' act. Salon magazine reports
Collins is in a virtual tie with Maine Speaker of the House Sara Gideon, one of four Democrats running to face the GOP incumbent, according to a new Colby College poll first reported by The Wall Street Journal. Gideon leads the Democratic field in the poll by more than 50% and is the overwhelming favorite to face the Republican in November. 
The Colby College poll finds that 54% of Maine voters have an unfavorable opinion of Collins, compared to 42% who have a favorable opinion of the senator.
Admittedly, Collins has been caught in a sticky wicket. Had she voted against Trump, he quite likely would have reached out to punish her. My own philosophy is, if you’re going to get shot down, at least get shot down for being one of the good guys. Spineless Susan chose to stick with Trump. She may yet survive, I fear. If not, I’d advise her to lie very still while the bus rolls over her.

3 unlikely headlines to wish for:

World Methane Level Drops
As Trump is Rushed to Hospital With
His Rectum Krazy-Glued Shut

Mitch McConnell Refuses to Release
DNA Test Results After Rumors That
He is 25 Percent Galapagos Tortoise

Trump and Bloomberg Collapse of
Simultaneous Heart Attacks
During First Presidential Debate


Regina M. said...

Wanted to tell you how much I enjoyed your prior contribution. Today, I won't forget. I agree with you 100%. You are so right on target. And I am delighted to see where Rep. Collins has put herself. Fortunately, there are a lot of people from other parts of New England who have retired up here in Maine and they aren't particularly fond of her performance either. It's looking much better than ever before. There's hope. Thanks for your blog. I really like to kick off my day reading it.

The New York Crank said...

Thank you, Regina. You can flatter me any time.

Yours crankily,
The New York Crank

Anonymous said...

I thought it was spelled Colombia.

The New York Crank said...

Thank you, Anonymous. I've made the necessary spelling repairs. The University in New York is spelled with a u, the country with a second o. It's still safe for Columbia undergraduates to drink the water in their dorm rooms. Not necessarily so in the nation of Colombia.

Yours crankily,
The New York Crank