Suit up in your longest pair of waders, kiddies. We’re off for a slosh through Donald Trump’s swamp, in search of the fearsome Jelly-Spined Lawyer.

Image swiped from Sierra Trading Post. Order your pair from them 

before your next trip to Washington

Get yourself some chest-high waders, if you can. The Trumpian swamp is mighty deep and fearsomely thick with muck that’ll come gurgling and sucking and swishing in over your head in unpredictable waves if you’re not careful. 

Oh, you’ll need a flashlight, too. And a face net, to protect yourself against that terrifying in-your-face bird, the Midnight Tweeter.

You there, are you all set? Are you sure your flashlight works? Good. 

Now let me caution you that we’re not taking a comprehensive tour today. We’re just going to search of the Jelly-Spined Fix Lawyer, a curious critter that somehow survives by lining the nests of other swamp critters with money, while pretending it has no money because it can't get paid. It also pretends it doesn’t eat.

"Hey Crank, kill 
the metaphor!"

Okay, okay, before I drown myself in this Big Muddy of a swampy metaphor, let me get off it and say flat out that I’m talking about one of  Donald Trump’s many lawyers, Michael Cohen.

Oh, and before I continue, here’s a shoutout to all the other lawyers named Michael Cohen who now have to live with everything from suspicion to guffaws every time they show up in court. Sorry guys: I didn’t hand out the names. I simply comment on the news.

Anyway, the particular Michael Cohen in question is said to have paid a porn actress named Stormy Daniels (aka Stephanie Clifford) $130,000 to sign a contract (under a pseudonym that is neither Stormy, nor Stephanie, nor Daniels, nor Clifford ) not to blab about a sexual encounter with Trump, who was also mentioned in the contract under a pseudonym. I know, I know, you’ve heard this complicated yarn a million times before. The thing is, each time you hear it, it gets a new twist that makes it better.

The twists, they keep a-coming

Next thing I remember happening, Stormy Stephanie, or whatever her name is, hires a lawyer of her own, who claims the contract is invalid because Trump never signed it. Twist.

And then attorney Michael Cohen claimed that he himself paid Stormy the money by borrowing from his own home equity line of credit. In other words, he went into debt to pay his client’s bills, which is the exact opposite of what can happen when you or I get involved with a lawyer. Twist.

Oh, and then Trump denies he paid any money at all to Stormy at all and has no idea where the $130,000 came from. 

Twist.

Also, recently, attorney Michael Cohen claimed that his practice only has three law clients: the Donald; a Republican fundraiser named Elliot Broidy, who allegedly paid $1.6 million so that a former Playboy model would shut up about Broidy getting her knocked up; and a third “mystery client.” 

Twist.

But then the mystery client turns out to be Sean Hannity, the Fox, umm, shall we charitably call him a personality? Except that Hannity vehemently denies he is a client, and equally vehemently denies that he ever retained Cohen, ever received an invoice from Cohen, or ever paid any legal fees to Cohen. 

Twist.

And then the FBI raids Cohen’s home, office, and temporary digs at a nice hotel at Park Avenue and East 62nd Street in Manhattan — very expensive digs if your law practice isn’t making any money and is, in fact, shelling out $130,000 in unreimbursed funds to keep a client out of trouble. The FBI evidently took a lot of evidence of something-or-other. Cohen wants it back. And furthermore, Cohen is refusing to testify, invoking his Fifth Amendment rights. Twistidy, twistidy, twist.

So now, all these twists raise a question. If poor lawyer Cohen practices law for only three clients, two of whom pay him nothing, and one of whom has put the lawyer in debt via the lawyer’s home equity line, how does the lawyer make a living? Or keep a roof over his head?

A remarkable one-man 
McKinsey & Company

Well, along comes Attorney Cohen again, saying he has seven other clients. I gather they're not really law clients. They get serviced with “strategic advice and business consulting.” 

Listen,  I don’t know about you, but if I were after strategic advice for my business, I’d hire a business consultant like Accenture, or Arthur D. Little, or even (remember these guys?) Bain & Company. Or BDO. Or McKinsey & Company.

But buying business and strategic advice from some schnook of a lawyer best known for saving rich guys who get their dicks caught in the wrong ringer and then don’t even get legal bills from Cohen? I don’t think so.

So here’s what I wonder. Mind you, it’s not an accusation. I’m not even alleging anything. I’m simply wondering.

I wonder— only wonder, mind you — if maybe some of Michael Cohen’s seven mysterious advice-and-consulting clients are actually giving money to Cohen to pay the fees and hush money for one or more of Cohen’s real legal clients like Donald Trump. 

I also wonder if these could be Republican donors who support Trump? Or if not that, could they be shadow corporations set up as fronts by some Trump affiliate? 

In addition I  wonder if a “consulting” session goes something like this:

“Hey Michael, it’s raining outside. D’ya think I can sell any umbrellas in this weather?”

“I can never guarantee it, but in my opinion as an expert business consultant, selling umbrellas in the rain is probably a good strategic bet.”

“Thanks, Michael, you’re a prince. What do I owe you?”

“That will be $130,000. Oh, plus certain other fees and expenses.”

“Great. I’ll have  a check flown right up to you from the Bahamas in the morning. Oh, and give Donald my kindest regards.”

Again, I’m not saying any of this happened. I’m merely imagining that it might have happened. But such a setup, if it ever happened, might be a possible explanation of why the FBI raided Attorney Cohen’s office. And why Attorney Cohen has taken the Fifth to maintain his own silence.

Power up the washing
machine, boys!

Do I smell soap? You know, money laundry soap? 

Nah!

Speaking of taking the Fifth, I’ll leave the last word to Donald Trump. Verbatim:

“The mob takes the Fifth Amendment. If you’re innocent, why are you taking the Fifth Amendment?”