Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Ultimate combat. It's how to make a billion dollars getting people beaten to a bloody pulp

The idea for this post was hatched last night when I answered the phone and found myself talking to someone who claimed she was taking a survey. In short order, it became clear that she was really taking a “push poll” survey, which pretends to ask your opinion, while actually trying to persuade you to take sides on some controversial matter.

In this case, the topic of the push poll was a charming form of beating human beings into mush called “mixed martial arts.” I was taken off-guard and didn’t have a pen and pad in hand when the phone rang, but the questions ran roughly along these lines:

“Did you know New York State is the only state that won’t allow mixed martial arts events?”

“What if I told you that 49 other states have legalized mixed martial

“Mixed martial arts would create thousands of jobs in New York. Do you want those jobs to go to people in New Jersey?”

“What if I told you that mixed martial arts is actually just a mixture of judo, tae kwon do and boxing, all legitimate sports?”

“What if I told you that mixed martial arts would contribute $175 million to the local economy?”

“What if….”

Well, you get the idea.

The truth is, this survey was sponsored by a billion dollar business, controlled  by a pair of blood-sucking parasites out of Las Vegas named Frank and Lorenzo Fertitta, casino business heirs who are stewing because, at least so far, they somehow can’t get their sucking mouthparts into New York’s revenue stream. They want to do this by arranging for people people to get beaten into bloody human compound fractures of facial and other bones in front of New York audiences.

They’re blaming Sheldon Silver of the New York State Assembly. Their twisted logic: there’s a union dispute in Las Vegas concerning some of the people who work at these events, and Silver is a tool of the unions. And the National Review buys into this baloney.

But consider. Aside from the human toll, a lot of the martial arts “athletes” will, almost guaranteed, become a drain on the public treasury ten or 20 years down the road, if they live that long, when their head injuries results in dementia and it becomes a public responsibility to keep a them fed, housed and their diapers changed.

But forget all that. Let's think bigger than mere body blows. If mixed martial arts is a "sport" worth billions, just think of the fortune that New Yorkers could make if we had to-the-death gladiator fights. Why stop at mere combat? Let's make a bigger buck by making executions a public spectacle again. How about gory decapitations, and drawing-and-quartering in Madison Square Garden?

Maybe people could live out their fantasies by paying to personally beat other live humans to death. Tie somebody up in an arena, give a high bidder a club, and let him go to work.

Or here’s something that will be really good for the economy, creating jobs for people to sell tickets and beer in Madison Square Garden (not to mention billions more for pay per view cable rights and ticket revenues going to the Fertitas):  

Let's burn people at the stake.

1 comment:

Cirze said...

Hey buddy.

Don't joke around.

Lot's of people will be jumping on that bandwagon.

With glee.