- They’re not really coming for your guns. It’s worse. They’re coming for your baseball bats and kitchen knives. The whole gun thing is just a ruse to throw you off guard. While you’re down in the shelter or safe room with your AR15 and your Glock loaded (and not locked), the bad guys will be breaking into your kitchen and making off with anything that has either a blade or a point (yes, that includes corkscrews and apple corers), and then taking off with all the baseball bats from the kids’ rooms. Now pay close attention, because this gets complicated:
The knife-and-bat lobby has been fighting for attention so they can expand their knife and bat sales. To gain a bigger share of bad publicity (so that they can rally their troops like the unpopular NRA does), they’re trying to make it look like more people are getting killed by knives and baseball bats than by guns, a total falsehood.
But a bunch of knife grabbers and bat snatchers also want the focus on guns so they can go about their dirty work. The big scandal is that secret organizations like the NBBA (National Baseball Bat Association) and AFSK (Americans For Sharp Knives) are bribing lawmakers to confuse the press. So if you’re confused, you’re not alone. And if they’ve already got your baseball bat, grab a butterfly net.
2. Donald Trump has a secret reason for insisting that Barack Obama is a Kenyan Muslim extremist from Indonesia whose secret agents infiltrated a Honolulu birth records office.
Like all conspiracies, Trump’s angry declarations about Obama are a plot to keep you from knowing the truth. Once you wonder why Trump won’t stop, it won’t take you long to figure out that Donald Trump is spreading these rumors because he’s actually a half-Latvian Russian Communist secret agent who’s trying to throw you off the trail, so he can build extra-tall buildings to serve as targets for future Al Qaeda attacks.
Trump is hiding something under his comb-over and loyal citizens ought to demand that Trump show us what it is. I mean, is it really just a bald spot, or is it actually the secret takeover plans written on scalp-colored parchment?
3. The Democrats are going to use a platinum coin ruse to raise the debt ceiling. Truth is, they simply can’t use a single trillion dollar platinum coin to extend the debt limit because that coin is lost. Like the doofy Susan B. Anthony dollar, which is so close to the size of a quarter that it confuses the hell out of everybody, the trillion dollar coin was about the size of a one Euro coin. Some mixed up Treasury official, while on vacation, accidentally deposited the coin in a gumball machine in Paris. By the time he discovered his mistake it was too late. Now nobody knows what happened to it and any day there could be a run on French chewing gum. (Hint: buy French bubblegum stock.)
4. Secularists are gloating about The War On Christmas. Sorry to be tardy with this one, but I was sleeping in over the holidays. Actually, there is no war on Christmas because the war is over. Capitalism won. Here's what happened:
Unhampered by an unregulated market, gaudy Christmas displays went up earlier every year. In New York, for example, they began before Thanksgiving last year. In 2013, a secret plot by unregulated capitalist merchants calls for commercializing Christmas at the end of October, combining it with Halloween for a big celebration called Hollowmass Weeny.
Yes, Santa will still be invited, but he has to wear an Ayatollah Khomeni mask and a black turban with his red suit. Secularists will be reduced to holding demonstrations during which they will chant, “Death to Midnight Sales!”
5. They’re going to outlaw the teaching of intelligent design. Actually, it’s a lot worse than that. They’re going to combine the teaching of intelligent design with mandatory classes on interior design, graphic design, industrial design and clothing design – with a concentration in lingerie design.
This is part of their plan to force you to worship Giselle Bundchen, Heidi Klum, and Alessandria Ambrosio, and they will not stop until you pray to them every night.
“They,” in case you haven’t already figured it out, is the Socialist Feminist Secularist Goddess Worship Movement. Be afraid, be very afraid – especially if you shop in Victoria’s Secret.