- They’re not really coming for your guns. It’s worse. They’re coming for your baseball bats and kitchen knives. The whole gun thing is just a ruse to throw you off guard. While you’re down in the shelter or safe room with your AR15 and your Glock loaded (and not locked), the bad guys will be breaking into your kitchen and making off with anything that has either a blade or a point (yes, that includes corkscrews and apple corers), and then taking off with all the baseball bats from the kids’ rooms. Now pay close attention, because this gets complicated:
The knife-and-bat lobby has been
fighting for attention so they can expand their
knife and bat sales. To gain a
bigger share of bad publicity (so that they can rally their troops like the
unpopular NRA does), they’re trying to make it look like more people are getting
killed by knives and baseball bats than by guns, a total falsehood.
But a bunch of knife grabbers and bat snatchers also want the focus on guns so they can go about their
dirty work. The big scandal is that secret organizations like the NBBA
(National Baseball Bat Association) and AFSK (Americans For Sharp Knives) are
bribing lawmakers to confuse the press. So if you’re confused, you’re not alone. And if they’ve already
got your baseball bat, grab a butterfly net.
2. Donald
Trump has a secret reason for insisting that Barack Obama is a Kenyan
Muslim extremist from Indonesia whose secret agents infiltrated a
Honolulu birth records office.
Like
all conspiracies, Trump’s angry declarations about Obama are a plot to
keep you from knowing the truth. Once you wonder why Trump won’t stop, it
won’t take you long to figure out that Donald Trump is spreading these
rumors because he’s actually a half-Latvian Russian Communist secret agent
who’s trying to throw you off the trail, so he can build extra-tall
buildings to serve as targets for future Al Qaeda attacks.
Trump is hiding
something under his comb-over and loyal citizens ought to demand that
Trump show us what it is. I mean, is it really just a bald spot, or is it actually the secret takeover plans written on scalp-colored parchment?
3. The
Democrats are going to use
a platinum coin ruse to raise the debt ceiling. Truth is, they simply can’t use a single trillion dollar platinum
coin to extend the debt limit because that coin is lost. Like the doofy
Susan B. Anthony dollar, which is so close to the size of a quarter that
it confuses the hell out of everybody, the trillion dollar coin was about
the size of a one Euro coin. Some mixed up Treasury official, while on
vacation, accidentally deposited the coin in a gumball machine in Paris.
By the time he discovered his mistake it was too late. Now nobody knows what happened to
it and any day there could be a run on French chewing gum. (Hint: buy French bubblegum
stock.)
4. Secularists are gloating about The War On Christmas. Sorry to be tardy
with this one, but I was sleeping in over the holidays. Actually, there is
no war on Christmas because the war is over. Capitalism won. Here's what happened:
Unhampered by
an unregulated market, gaudy Christmas displays went up earlier every
year. In New York, for example, they began before
Thanksgiving last year. In 2013, a secret plot by unregulated capitalist merchants calls for
commercializing Christmas at the end of October, combining it with
Halloween for a big celebration called Hollowmass Weeny.
Yes, Santa will still be
invited, but he has to wear an Ayatollah Khomeni mask and a black turban
with his red suit. Secularists will be reduced to holding demonstrations
during which they will chant, “Death to Midnight Sales!”
5. They’re going to outlaw
the teaching of intelligent design. Actually, it’s a lot worse
than that. They’re going to combine the teaching of intelligent design with
mandatory classes on interior design, graphic design, industrial design and clothing design – with a concentration in lingerie design.
This
is part of their plan to force you to worship Giselle Bundchen, Heidi Klum, and Alessandria Ambrosio, and they will not stop until you pray to them every
night.
“They,” in case you haven’t already figured it out, is the Socialist
Feminist Secularist Goddess Worship Movement. Be afraid, be very afraid –
especially if you shop in Victoria’s Secret.
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