Look, I’m about as in favor of gun control as anybody can get. I think there are too many nuts supporting the free flow of weapons intended to kill – and often used that way against innocent people, by accident or deliberately.
But sometimes I worry more about the nuts on my own team that I do about the people armed to the teeth because they expect imminent invasion by The Forces Of Evil.
A case in point: In Baltimore, school officials expelled a seven year old kid because he had a breakfast pastry. Not only that, but he had chewed it into the shape of a gun!
Well, sort of a gun. Evidently he was trying to chew it into a mountain, but his toothy pastry sculpture skills aren’t quite up to Leonardo da Vinci. Or even Lenny the sculpture chewer. You can’t make this stuff up.
I mean, holy crap! Is that terrifying or not? Remember, inside these pastries is a tasty goo. It might be or cherry, or apple, or strawberroo. Uh, I mean strawberry. By pointing a breakfast pastry at, say, a teacher and repeating the words “bang bang” you might blow a hole the size of a strawberry through her heart with the sticky jam.
The reason I believe the NRA exhortation to stop banning guns and just arrest the nuts is crazy is, the nuts are so plentiful we’d have to arrest every third American. Most especially everybody running our nation’s school systems. In the Mount Carmel Area School District of Northumberland, PA, they’ve even expelled a sweet little girl for "terrorism" when she talked about shooting herself and a classmate with bubbles from a pink “bubble gun.”
A royal razz to officials of the Park Elementary School in Baltimore, who now seem to have reduced the charges against their seven-year-old pastry-chewing terrorist to "using food to make an inappropriate gesture." A grave juvenile crime if ever there was one.
And a double royal razz to school officials in the Mount Carmel Area School District in Pennsylvania. They're evidently so terrified by bubbles, they not only socked a girl who’s nearly a baby with a violence charge that can go on her lifetime record – and threatened her with prison (speak of terrorism!) – but also, once their bullying of a little child was disclosed, they hid like cowards behind the skirts of their own version of an official secrets act by declaring they are not permitted to discuss “disciplinary actions.”
Photograph by Bruce Silverman, circa 1970-something.