Monday, January 29, 2007

C'mon you crooks! At least get your stupid and terribly-written stories straight!

Recently, in part as a demonstration of the appalling state of expository writing among Internet crooks, I published the letters of two wannabe thieves, offering to make me rich for nothing.

One of the letters was from a “Mrs. Pearl Vat Cole,” who was tapping out her dying message to me on a laptop in her hospital bed, with only a few days to live.

Whaddya know! She survived! (At least for a while.) That’s the good news. The tragic bad news is, now she’s got a friend named Mrs. Dora Ekpo who’s also dying (remarkably from the same variety of cancer), and who discovered my e-mail address on “the Christian site on the Internet.”

I can’t imagine my name being on any Christian site anywhere, unless it’s on a list of people who will roast eternally in hell, but never mind.

I promised I was only going to publish con artist letters once. That meant one time and one time only. However, this stuff is like all those truly terrible performers on American Idol. The worse they get, the harder they are to ignore. They're wildly addictive – two parts criminal, three parts hilariously stupid.

So here are two more submissions from the Terrible Writing Department of the Internet Underworld – first from Mrs. Dora Ekpo, who appears to be Mrs. Vat Cole’s deeply religious alter ego, and then from someone who purports to be Mr. Niabba Ibrahim, a crooked banker who sent me a virus (fortunately zapped by virus-killing softwear) along with his plea to join him in high finance skullduggery.

Subject: Beloved In Christ
Date: Wed, 24 Jan 2007 12:02:01 +0000 (GMT)
Subject: Beloved In Christ
Date: Wed, 24 Jan 2007 12:02:01 +0000 (GMT)

Beloved In Christ

Calvary greetings in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, I am Mrs.Dora. ekpo, a widow to Late Sherrif ekpo, I am 69 years old, I am now a new Christian convert,suffering from long time cancer of the breast. From all indications,my condition is serious and according to my doctor it is quite obvious that I may not survive the sickness,although as a christain,I beleive God and I know that I will not die,I will leave to declare the glory of God.

My late husband and my only son was killed during the Ogoni Crisis and I am resently leaving alone.Our Lord Jesus Christ is my comforter. My late husband was very wealthy we have a lot of properties including Shares and houses.After the death of my husband,I made up my mind to travel abroad to leave the rest of my life and continue to do the work of God as a missionary.

I called our lawyer and I instructed him to sell all my husbands properties and shares to enableme raise some money to conitue my mission. The lawyer sold the Shares and some of the properties and I was able raise a sum of money which i will disclose the amount as soon as you notify me of your readiness to accept this proposition The fund is in cash,for the safety of the fund till am able to travel out,I packaged the fund in consignments deposited it with a Security Company in abroad.
Now that my sickness has gone to this stage,I am scared and I want the fund to be used for the work of God all over the world. most expecially the victims of the ecember 26 2004 tsunami disasterand the recent HURRICANE KATRINA in part of the u.s.a.,I have prayed and I told God to provide a honest christan who will receive this fund and utilise it for things that will glorify the name of God.

After my prayers,I searched the christain site in the internet,I found your email address and I decided to contact you.Please if you are interested in using this fund for the work of God,please send to me your full names and address to enable me give it to the security company for immediate arrangement with the security company on how the consignments that contained the fund will be delivered to you.

I await your urgent reply. to my private email..
Thanks and God bless you.

mrs dora ekpo

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Date: Fri, 26 Jan 2007 5:03 PM
Dear friend.

Good Day,

I am Mr NIABBA IBRAHIM, Senior Credit Officer of AFRICAN DEVELOPMENT BANK ANNEX BURKINA FASO.Here is a 100% concealed and mutually profitable business proposal for you. After the United States and Iraqi war, our client Hatem Kamil Abdul Fatah who was the deputy governor of Baghdad in Iraq and also business man made a numbered fixed deposit for 12 calendar months, with a value of ten million five hundred thausand usd only in my branch.Upon maturity several notices were sent to him, even in the first quater of this year.Again another notification was sent and still no response came from him. We later found out that the Deputy Governor has been assasinated in Baghdad.
The websites below is a proof and verification of the news abou this death:

After further investigation it was also discovered that Hatem Kamil Abdul Fatah did not declare any next of kin in his official papers including the paper work of his bank deposit. And he also confided in me the last time he was at my office that no one except me knew of his deposit in my bank. So, ten million five hundred usd$ is still lying in my bank and no one will ever come forward to claim it. Against this backdrop, my suggestion to you is that I will like you as a neutral person to stand in as the next of kin to Hatem Kamil Abdul Fatah so that you will be able to receive his funds with my aid as the insider.

THE PREREQUISITE OF THIS PROJECT:I want you to know that I have had everything planned out so that we come out successful.all that is required from you NOW is for you to provide me with your Full Names and Address so that i can prepare the documents with your name. After you have been made the next of kin,you will also file in for claims on your and secure the necessary approvals and letter of probate to enable the bank move the funds to an account that will be provided by you.

There are no risks involved in the matter as we are going to adopt a legalized method and all necessary documents will be prepared by the bank for easy movement iof the fund into your account.Please endeavour to observe utmost discretion in all matters concerning this issue.Once the funds have been transferred to your nominated bank account we shall share in the ratio of 60% for me, 30% for you and 10% for any expenses incurred during the course of this peration.Should you be interested, please send me your full particulars including your private phone and/or fax numbers for easy communication,and i will provide you with more details of this operation as well as my particulars.

I wait your respond
Kind Regards,
private email:

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