A completely private note to Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez: Jewish smooish, bubbeleh. As long as you’re a progressive Democrat, you’ll mostly give me naches.

That's funny, you don't look Jewish.

So listen, bubbeleh, because I’m trying to help here. 

These days there seems to be a surprise a minute in the New York Times. Most of those surprises aren’t all that surprising in this era of Trump, because with Trump in the White House, a day that goes by that he doesn’t say something that’s outrageously surprising is the only surprise that actually surprises people any more. [Yes, that does so make sense. Read it again, slowly.]

But what’s really surprising is when somebody you didn’t expect to be surprising surprises you. 

Am I talking to you, Congresswoman-elect Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez? Does a fried latke have living relatives in a potato field?

This past weekend, you addressed the crowd in a Queens, NY synagogue, letting on that you’re Jewish. Well okay, a Catholic who’s got Jewish ancestors. As The New York Times explained:

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, the self-described Puerto Rican “girl from the Bronx” who is set to become the youngest congresswoman in American history next month, added another layer to a complex personal story: She has Jewish heritage. 

Ms. Ocasio-Cortez, a New York Democrat, made the reveal on Sunday evening at a Jackson Heights synagogue in Queens, telling the crowd that “a very, very long time ago, generations and generations ago, my family consisted of Sephardic Jews.” 

She dated her ancestry to those who had to flee Europe during the Spanish Inquisition more than 500 years ago, and sought refuge in the New World. “Some of those people landed in Puerto Rico,” she explained.

You went on to say that “As is the story of Puerto Rico, we are a people that are an amalgamation. We are no one thing. We are black, we are indigenous, we are Spanish, we are European.” And in the spirit, I suspect, of kinehora — a ritual for warding off the evil eye, pupupu — you threw in the disclaimer, “Before everyone jumps on me — yes, culture isn’t DNA.”

So okay, I get what you’re saying — and I should drop dead before I’d argue with a word of it. And I also know that Sephardic isn’t Ashkenazic, and that — before the nitpickers and Jewish history wonks hak mir a chainik on this —the language of your Jewish ancestors was Ladino, not Yiddish. 

All the same, if you’ll permit this ufgeregt his ufgeregtig thoughts, I have a thing or few to say.

Shoyte! What, you didn’t see what Trump did to Elizabeth Warren when she said she had a little bit of native American ancestry? If he called her Pocahontas, what’s he going to call you the first time you oppose one of his pet projects, like shtupping cages full of crying and terrified children and shipping their parents off to another country?

He’s probably sitting on the edge of his bed right now, scratching his pupik and trying to make up sarcastic names to call you when he launches a Twitter attack against you. Fortunately, he doesn’t speak Yiddish. Unfortunately, he can call in his Jewish daughter and….oh wait, I forgot. 

Well anyway, he can call in his really Jewish son-in-law, who happens to be a shonda to the rest of us if you ask me — and maybe they’ll cook something up.

But my guess is they’ll settle for calling you Yentl! Donald Trump may have heard that name before.

I.B. Singer, my favorite Yiddish author, who wrote the book on which they based the Yentl movie is another story. I suspect the last time Donald Trump opened a book, the title was “This Is Dick And Jane,” and that he lost interest after it became clear there weren’t going to be any pictures of Jane taking her clothes off. 

But I digress. Anyway, whatever you do, don't get a DNA test.

Another thing I need to bring up — can we talk, Alexandria? — is this whole Israel-Palestine thing. Now I know the old saying that, on any matter at all, if you have two Jews you’ll get three opinions. That is, if you’re lucky and don’t get 37 opinions and 52 commentaries from kibitzers. But this business of blasting Israel over territorial disputes and who’s occupying what has to be seriously reconsidered. And then rephrased.

I mean, I can see you’re beginning to get a sense of things when the Times of Israel runs a headline that says: 

Ocasio-Cortez criticizes ‘occupation of Palestine,’ but admits she’s no expert

Oi, Alexandria! That’s like me saying, "Donald Trump is a shediker, nudnik and a ganse goniff — but what do I know?"

How about clearly and firmly taking a position that would enable Israel to survive as the one place in the world where it’s safe to be Jewish, while still providing Palestinians with separate autonomy? I’m talking about a two-state solution, borders and other details to be negotiated — okay then, negotiated yet another time — across a conference table.

This would prevent the likes of Netanyahu — his teeth should rot in his head — from creating an apartheid state, which would not only justifiably raise the world's hackles but also rapidly become a Jewish-minority state, given the relative birthrates of Israelis and Palestinians. 

The two-state solution would give Israel a future, while getting some of the Israel-haters off everybody’s back.

But as my grandmother said, what do I know?