The Crank's favorite fortune teller
predicts exactly what President
Trump will do in the first seven days.
Hold on tight to your shorts.
I recently paid another visit to Mme. Galzogorist, the fortune teller whose predictions have graced this space from time to time. I asked what President Donald Trump is likely to do in the week following his inauguration.
Mme. Galzogorist tensed up defensively.
"First of all, I want it known that any predictions I may have made concerning Hillary Clinton becoming the next President were based on faulty inputs,” she said.
“I can’t help it if all those pollsters called the same nineteen people who are still listed in the phone book, and disturbed them at dinner time, creating misleading replies. ‘Garbage in, garbage out,’ as we say in the fortune-telling profession.”
“But what will Trump do his first week in the office now that we have him?” I asked.
“Grab a pad and a pen,” she said. And she began to dictate. Here are my notes:
Day One: As promised, President Trump (get used to that title) repeals Obamacare the first day after inauguration. Informed that he must have the approval of Congress and the Senate to do this, he sends armed troops to their homes. The lawmakers are rounded up in their pajamas and skivvies from their beds, where they’ve been sleeping it off following a mad whirl of inaugural balls. They are bussed to the Capitol Building. While standing under the bright floodlights they are permitted to affirm the repeal of Obamacare by blinking.
Things get just a trifle dicey when the elastic on Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell's boxers breaks under stress and he drops his shorts, but order is rapidly restored.
As promised, Obamacare is replaced with something better — a $42 dollar Starbucks gift card, which can now also be used to help pay medical bills for certain approved services such as open heart surgery, although patients will be responsible for the balance of their doctor and hospital bills. This will make them “more careful healthcare consumers,” House Majority Leader Paul Ryan says in a joint statement with President Trump.
“This Starbucks Card is much better than Obamacare because even if you don’t get sick, you can still use it to buy a latte,” the President adds.
The gift cards are funded by withdrawals from the savings, checking or IRA accounts of the beneficiaries. As such they are revenue neutral “and don’t cost the taxpayers a red cent,” President Trump says. “Is this a yuuge improvement or what?”
Day two: After a “lengthy and exhausting” 17-minute treaty negotiation by telephone between President Trump and Vladimir Putin, the United States and Russia announce an accord for “peace in our time.” (“And by the way, that’s a phrase my beautiful wife Melania just wrote,” Trump adds. “This just goes to show that you can be a ten and still write a great tweet.”)
Under the terms of the phone-in treaty, the United States will withdraw its NATO troops from all of the former “satellite nations” and expel those nations from NATO. In return, Putin will be permitted to re-install the nuclear missiles in Cuba that were shipped back home during the Kennedy administration. “Nobody can negotiate like I can,” President Trump declares.
Day three: In an effort to “put America back to work again,” President Trump announces a series of “shovel-ready” projects and sends Congress a bill for funding them. These projects include repair work to the facades of ten “critical, key, major, beautiful” skyscrapers in New York, all of which by coincidence happen to have the name “Trump” on them in gold letters.
Further, Congress funds 175 new jobs for golf course groundskeepers, all of whom“initially will work on Trump golf courses until we find others that are as good.”
Trump takes a tax-deduction under another new program that gives tax breaks to job creators who pay their workers with money from the United States Treasury.
Day four: Hillary Clinton is arrested under orders from Attorney General Rudolph Giuliani and sent to prison for “Life plus 100 years” on charges to come concerning her e-mail server.
When Clinton’s lawyers go to the Supreme Court for an immediate stay, claiming that she cannot be imprisoned without specific charges on which a jury finds her guilty, newly appointed U.S. Supreme Court Chief Justice Rudolph Giuliani sides with Attorney General Rudolph Giuliani.
“Everybody knows she’s guilty, so why bother with a trial?” Giuliani chuckles. “It would only cost the taxpayers money we don’t want to waste.”
Day Five: President Trump defends his appointment of Giuliani to more than one Federal job at the same time (supported by voice vote of the Republican Congress and Senate) because, “appointing one person to multiple jobs will cut salary and overhead costs, and gives us more productive, more efficient government officials who have less time to be corrupt.”
Day Six: In a ceremony near Del Rio, Texas, President Trump and ICE Director Rudolph Giuliani wade knee-deep into the Rio Grande River and, with a pair of golden shovels, ceremonially “break water” for the new wall between the United States and Mexico.
To quickly construct such a long barrier over water, the new Trump Administration has solved a difficult engineering problem by designing the wall to float on pontoons.
When the Administration is alerted to concerns that desperate immigrants will then simply swim under the wall, teams of formerly-unemployed workers are hired to trap stinging jellyfish from the Gulf of Mexico, and transport them to the Rio Grande wall. Here other newly-employed workers shovel the jellyfish off the wall into the water at regular intervals.
“That’s what I mean by shovel-ready jobs,” the President declares.
The appearance of a Hispanic-looking day-workers with blotchy sting marks on their arms, most of them carrying signs that say, “Will work for food,” outside 7-11 stores around the country gets brushed off by the White House as “a coincidence.”
Day Seven: President Trump publicly shreds the recently-signed treaty with Iran that limits their development of nuclear weapons. But Iranian Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei says the treaty didn't concern him anyway because, following Trump's election, he put in an order for 50 nuclear warheads from North Korea. North Korea jests, “we just might drop off a few in the United States on the way over.”
Meanwhile distraught and concerned Chancellor Angela Merkel of Germany makes a surprise visit to the White House to plead for the restoration of NATO in Western Europe. Trump says the U.S. withdrawal is non-negotiable, but as a gesture of friendship, he invites Chancellor Merkel to the Oval Office for tea and a photo-op. When they stand for what photographers assume will be pictures of them shaking hands, Trump grabs Merkel’s crotch and kisses her on the lips.