Listen, folks, politics are pretty rough and tumble affairs. I know, I know, you're fatigued with awareness of that already. I’m just saying.
The expected rough and tumble may be why Barack Obama didn’t complain too hard when Republican presidential candidate Willard Romney palled around with Donald Trump, who keeps demanding to see President Obama’s birth certificate even though Obama has already produced it.
More recently, Trump has been demanding the President’s college transcripts, and sooner or later he’ll insist we need the President’s kindergarten report card.
So it’s a bit surprising that Romney is wailing – like the bully who finally gets what’s coming to him in the schoolyard – because we Democrats are demanding to see his tax returns for the last ten years.
Why do I think that if had nothing to hide, Romney would, just to make the issue go away, produce his tax returns faster than you can say “Blitz, Blots, Blatts, Blutts, Bloomquist Blueblubber, and Cohen, Tax Planners and Certified Public Accountants?”
The question is, what is Romney hiding? Because he refuses produce the tax returns which would clear the air, he’s fair game for speculation. This, then, is purely just me speculating, but, ahem, allow me the following submissions for the top ten reasons Willard won’t come clean:
10. Willard secretly gave up his U.S. Citizenship (or obtained dual citizenship) some years ago to avoid taxation that American citizens face. His tax returns for some years say he is declaring immunity from taxes because he's a foreign citizen. Of course, the reason Willard doesn’t want to let this out is, if he’s a foreigner he’s not eligible to run for president.
9. Willard secretly owns a coffee plantation and a distillery and fears that bringing this out will cost him his Mormon base.
8. Willard invested in diamond mines in Zimbabwe where human rights abuses, even murder, run rampant. Bane Capital supported Robert Mugable when Mugable murdered his fellow citizens. h
7. Willard, about ten years ago, did an immensely profitable arms deal selling automatic weapons to Osama bin Laden, who later used the arms against Americans.
6. Willard invested in a foreign tobacco company that is selling cigarettes to young kids.
5. Willard tried to short General Motors, and would have made a fortune had President Obama not saved the company.
4. Willard invested in a bordello in Nevada.
3. Willard was involved in a baby smuggling business involved in taking babies away from poor mothers to give to rich mothers. That’s also why he opposes abortion. He needs to keep selling the babies.
2. Whenever he took over a company, Willard would play droight de seigneur with his female employees.
1. Willard took tax deductions for his other three wives and their children by him, all secretly tucked away in a fundamentalist Mormon commune in the mountains of Utah.