My fellow Americans: this morning Federal Agents, following my executive order, arrested Eric Cantor, Michelle Bachmann, and group of other so-called Tea Party Republican legislators and flew them to the U.S. Army base in Guantanamo, Cuba, where they are now incarcerated
I gave this order under the authority granted to the President of the United States by an overwhelming vote of Republicans after 9/11, which allows me to determine who is an enemy combatant and order their arrest and incarceration without trial. Some Democrats protested that this was an unconstitutional power, but most Republicans insisted on it, and since they refused to take back down from this position, I am using it.
The arrested individuals are in every respect enemies of the United States, combating us through our economy. They will be charged with conspiring to destroy the economic structure of the United States and, in so doing, attempting to destroy the lives of million Americans citizens, most notably the elderly, infirm, and helpless. This is every bit as much a crime against our citizenry as blowing up a car bomb in Times Square, only on a far greater and more vicious scale.
The courts have not ruled that waterboarding is torture and illegal, and therefore I am happy to tell you that after enhanced interrogation, Representatives Cantor and Bachmann and some of the others confessed to a deliberate attempt to sabotage the United States so that they could overthrow the current administration – in effect, create a governmental coup-by-crisis so that they could take over Washington.
Because of security considerations, most specifically concerns that armed Tea Party zealots will attempt to assassinate the jury, the accused will not be tried on U.S. soil. Instead, they will be tried in Guantanamo and, if found guilty, they will be executed for treason.
Now, I would appreciate it if the remaining members of both houses of Congress would get back to work, before I beome annoyed. I want the debt ceiling raised, and paid for by instituting new tax brackets for the wealthiest Americans, going up to 80 percent for that part of any individual’s income that goes over three million dollars a year. Taxes on excess corporate profits must be taxed similarly. And I am asking for a new job export tax, equivalent to five years’ salary for any American employee whose job is shipped overseas by a corporation, wherever it does business.
We understand that all Americans will have to share at least some of the pain. Therefore, Social Security and Medicare deductions on pay will get extended to cover all earned income. It is my intention to balance the budget
Thank you and goodnight.