Thursday, May 29, 2008

First independent interview with Rocky Mountain News’s space alien: “We have come to drink your…Celray Tonic.”

Man, it must be a slow week for news in Denver. The Rocky Mountain News is reporting that a local whack-o, a dude named Jeff Peckman, “who is pushing a ballot initiative to create an Extraterrestrial Affairs Commission in Denver” is going to show the news media a video of a “living, breathing, space alien” today, May 29th.

Oh please, gimme a break! I mean, did you think that our ace news staff, sitting here in The New York Crank newscubicle, were going to let ourselves get scooped by The Rocky Mountain Snooze? No way, pal!

Crank's interview scoops the
Rocky Mountain Snooze

Fortunately, we were able to reach the alien via ISF (Internet Space Phone) to get this exclusive interview, thus scooping not only the Rocky Mountain News, but also the Colorado Film School, in Denver, where allegedly some unnamed instructor has endangered whatever accreditation a Denver film school might possibly have (not to mention the credibility of the Rocky Mountain News) by declaring, to quote the newspaper, that he had “scrutinized the video ‘very carefully’ and determined it was authentic.”

We think that's only part of the story, for reasons revealed in the transcript of our exclusive interview.

CRANK: Are you really an extraterrestrial?”

SPACE ALIEN: So what do I look like, chopped liver?

CRANK: The Rocky Mountain News quotes their local space alien nut as saying the film “…shows an extraterrestrial's head popping up outside of a window at night, looking in the window, that's visible through an infrared camera….The alien is about 4 feet tall and can be seen blinking.”

SPACE ALIEN: Right, I saw that news article, too.

CRANK: What’s the blinking all about?

SPACE ALIEN: It’s an outrage. I come out of a dark space ship – we keep the lights way down so I can read the instrument panels – and I stick my head out. Do you think they step forward and shake my hand? Oh please! Instead, they shine a bright light in my eyes, like I just got stopped for drunk driving. What would you do if you came out of the dark and they shined a light in your eyes? Pee?

CRANK: Why have you come in your flying saucer to Denver?

SPACE ALIEN: We’ve already done Paris. You should see the prices!

CRANK: Yes, but why Denver?

SPACE ALIEN: We are very thirsty. There is very little moisture on our planet. And we hear that there’s terrific Celray Tonic in Denver.

CRANK: Cel-what?

SPACE ALIEN: Celray Tonic. We have come to drink your Dr. Brown’s Celray Tonic.

CRANK: Where in Denver do you expect to find that stuff?

SPACE ALIEN: Katz’s Delicatessen.
CRANK: But that’s not in Denver. Katz’s is in New York. On the Lower East Side.

SPACE ALIEN: I think you’re wrong.

CRANK: I know I’m right. I live in New York.

SPACE ALIEN: Wait a second, just wait a second, sonny. I’ll ask my navigator. Hey Glutzpittt, where the hell is Katz’s Delicatessen? (PAUSE) He says New York.

CRANK: So why did he steer you to Denver?

SPACE ALIEN: He says The Rocky Mountain News offered to pick up our landing fees and hotel bill. Also, they'll give us a free continental breakfast. They’re going to make a whole big thing out of us.

CRANK: They don’t have anything more newsworthy to report on?

SPACE ALIEN: Did I ask? Do I care? So long as they pick up the tab, who am I to complain? They have a saying on my planet: “No news is good news.”

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