Saturday, January 02, 2021

14 newspaper headlines I’d like to see in 2021 but most probably won’t

Guaranteed authentic charicature

Trump Forcefully Escorted 

From White House in Strait Jacket

Vengeful Elephant Herd

Tramples Don and Eric

During African Safari

Lindsay Graham Resigns Senate Seat

To Join Remote Tibetan Monastery

Meanwhile Mitch McConnell sends for monastery brochure

Trump Rests Peacefully 

In Hospital After

Eighteen Massive 

Thorazine Injections 

Doctors Remove Kimberly Guilfoyle’s

Vocal Chords In Emergency Surgery

“Covfefe” Was Code Signal To

Trump’s Russian Handlers

Classified CIA Report Reveals

Self-Pardon Tossed by Court

After Trump Misspells “Pardon”

“The U.S. Constitution says nothing about “paradonnes,” Judge declares

1,000 Vials of Spoiled Vaccine Discovered 

In Trump’s Fridge, Next to Expired Hamburgers

Ivanka Reveals She Leaked

White House Secrets to The Press

"I didn’t think they’d print it," she says

Assay of Trump Tower Gold Toilet 

Reveals It’s Actually Iron Pyrites

Former Wharton Classmate Reveals He Got

Paid to Take Final Exams for Donald Trump

"I feel lucky I wasn't stiffed," he says.

National Arts Commission Declares Border Wall 

An “Eyesore” And Orders It Torn Down

Javanka Splitsville?

Friends Refuse to Say Until They

Get Their Covid Vaccinations

Melania: “As Best I Can Remember

Donald Was Terrible in Bed”


Bill said...


Buttermilk Sky said...

Turkey Returns Pardon: "Rather Be Eaten Than Associated With Flynn, Stone, War Criminals"

Rep. Boebert Self-Shooting On House Floor Ruled Accidental

White House Tennis Pavilion Converted To Homeless Housing

Rand Careaga said...

I note that we are apparently now in concord on a formerly contested point of orthography.

The New York Crank said...

Right you are, Rand. Consider it a collapse of principle under unbearable pressure. Or something.

Yours very crankily,
The New York Crank