Dr. Trump teaches a medical school class

Professor of Pandemic Medicine Dr. Donald Trump, M.D., V.S.G.

Good morning, class, and welcome to Pandemic Anatomy 102 here at the Trump University Institute of Intuitive Medicine. Before we start, who is Miss Alcindor?

You? You’re Alcindor? Get the hell out of my class! Get out! Right now! You’re fired! Why? Because you never even sent me a thank you note expressing your gratitude when I allowed you to be taught by me. Not a word of thanks. You don’t how to be grateful, you don’t know how to be nice, you’re nasty, so get the hell out. Now! Go ahead! Get her the hell out of here! Go!

Boy, I’d like to waterboard her, and a whole lot worse. Now where was I? Oh yes, I am Dr. Donald Trump, M.D., V.S.G. Does anybody know what the letters in my degrees stand for? Yes, that bright-looking young man with the skinny suit. Correct! M.D. stands for Medical Dictator. And VSG? No, I’m afraid you’re wrong. It stands for Very Stable Genius. I know because I was awarded both degrees, on the very day this medical school was founded, by the Board of Trustees — you know, Ivanka, Don Jr., Eric, and me. So that’s how I know what it stands for.

Anyway, we are currently dealing with the Corona Virus Pandemic. Can anybody define “pandemic” for me? Yes, that young lady in the tight blouse? No, and don’t pull any of that academic Greek prefix stuff on me. A pandemic is obviously an epidemic that can be put in a pan. Now, right behind me you can see a hotplate with a frying pan on it. Does anybody want to guess what that green and purple stuff in the pan is? That student with the white hair and the rigid look of a possum playing dead. Yes, you. 

Mr. Pence is it? I’ll just call you Whitey. So Whitey, what’s that stuff in the pan? Right. A huge mess of corona viruses…Is it viruses, or viri? What’s the plural of virus? Viri? Okay, Corona viri in a nutritious jelly. And if I wanted to kill them, Whitey, what’s all I’d have to do? 

Right, flip the switch on the hotplate. Watch! Okay, it’s flipped. Now wait for it….wait for it…wait for it…Wait for it! There! The jelly is boiling and the viri are dying. If I did this on television, I could get higher ratings than Doctor Oz. People love science! That’s why they love me. I can’t tell you how many people have told me they love me because I know so much about science. I'm more loved than any other scientist in the world.

Anyway, wheel in the patient. Very good, but does he have to wheeze like that? Okay, you’re right, Mr. Mnuchin. The wheezing might be caused by a viri-related lung condition. And we’ve just seen that heating the viri on a hotplate kills them. So can anybody guess how we might cure this poor man’s infection? Yes, that young lady, the one dressed like the usher in a 1948 movie theater. What’s your name?

Okay, Mis Conway, how could we cure this sick man’s Corona viri lung infection? Yes, you’re right. Making him sit on the hotplate would certainly kill off a lot of Corona viri from the bottom up. But it would also cause some very bad burns, and who knows how far inside him the heat would go? So can anybody suggest another way to kill his Corona viri? 

What’s that? You’re right. Sunlight is the best disinfectant. You know what famous person said that? Justice who? Never heard of him. I said it. Me. I'm very quotable. But if the viri are inside his body, how do we get the sunlight inside his body to kill the viri? Anybody? Anybody at all?

Well, I can see this class isn’t as bright as I was told. I’ll have to answer my question for you. You’d have to get an ultraviolet lamp inside of him, to zap the viri from the inside out. I’ve had the people in our very excellent Trump Labs, the best medical labs in the world, solve that problem by building this. As you can see, it is a very long, very flexible, very skinny ultra-violet lamp that can be inserted rectally. But can anybody tell me what we ought to do before we insert this long thin lamp into the patient’s rectum and push it up through his intestines? Yes, Miss DeVos? 

Very good, Miss DeVos! A lubricant would help but there’s something else you’re forgetting. I see that it takes a VSG like me to think outside the rectum and identify potential problems. All that ultra-violet light might sunburn the patient’s intestines. Fortunately, we have Ivanka Trump SPF 50 Suntan Lotion, which, umm, kills two birds with one stone. It both lubricates and reduces the likelihood of intestinal sunburn. And it’s only $50 an ounce, for sale at the Trump Tower. So we are going to spread this Trump lotion on the lamp...like this...and now very slowly push it, push it, push it into the patient.

Wait a second, that noise I’m hearing is very, very annoying.The one coming from that TV screen above the patient's bed.  It was quietly going beep-beep-beep. Now it’s just going beeeeeeeeeeee. I think it’s broken. It was drawing a very nice up and down graph. Now there is  nothing but a flat line. Maybe an electronic glitch did it. Class, can any of you explain what broke the machine? 

Oh, you think so, Mr. Pompeo? Well, he probably had a pre-existing condition. That’s what happens when you have to work on very sick patients. Before you can stop what’s killing them, something else kills them. I can’t be responsible for that. But, there’s one more solution. Let me put it to you this way, class: if viri are a form of infection, what else could you use to kill the infection?

Right, Mr. Esper! A dis-infection. Or disinfectant. Like Lysol or Chlorox. If you want to put an end to the suffering of a person suffering from pandemic viri, all you have to do is tell him, “Drink two glasses of Chlorox and call me in the morning.” There! Problem solved. I hope you’ve all been taking notes, because at some future date there may be a pop quiz. Class dismissed.