Sunday, November 10, 2019

News designed to make you puke: Food porn maker goes for sex porn. Lindsay Graham invents the Stupidity Defense. Joe Biden forgets to batten down his Internet hatches. And an iguana sleeps with cats.

Having looked into the future and seen the Era of Trump,
a Renaissance Man tosses his cookies
So  Kraft Heinz, in addition to selling pickles and ketchup and Velveeta, has been hankering to become a leading manufacturer of frozen foods. 


Why "again?" It's complicated.

In the past, a now-defunct corporate entity called General Foods, one of the companies that Kraft Heinz merged with, owned the Birds Eye frozen foods brand. But Birds Eye (if I’ve got all this straight) got spun off, or spit out, or shunted over to a company called Pinnacle Foods. So did Swanson, the company that introduced America to TV dinners and that in some other incarnation was owned by the Campbell Soup company. 

Anyway, having sold off their frozen food operation, Kraft Heinz decided that it needed a frozen food operation. Because why should the processed food business be any less disorganized and irrational than, say, the White House?

Who's Devour for?
Hungry pervs?

So Kraft Heinz came up with a new line of frozen foods called Devour. And where did the geniuses at Kraft Heinz decide to advertise it?

Why, on an XXX-rated site called Pornhub, to which I shall not supply a link, since it’s not only NSFW, but might, for all I know, get me tossed off Blogger. Why chance it? 

Pornhub is the kind of website that has been known to depict sex with minors, threesomes, or for that matter, thirty-five-or-moresomes, not to mention other horny-porny-raunchy stuff. (Okay, I confess. I peeked. Strictly for the sake of fact checking, of course.)

What was Kraft Heinz thinking?

Well, the Devour frozen food ad campaign was smirky-jokey advertising about “food porn.” So advertising on a porn site was, I assume, supposed to be a joke on top of a joke that would surely entice people who were thinking real hard about sex to stop watching porn and run out to buy frozen food instead, because umm, well, umm, on account of, umm...never mind.

I assume that by now that some marketing officers and ad agency people are getting their resumés into circulation as rapidly as they possibly can. Fortunately, a Kraft Heinz spokesflack has reassured us that “Kraft Heinz has pledged not to advertise or promote any of  its brands on this site or other similar sites.”  She forgot to use the word “again,” but even so, I feel better already.

Or I did, until I realized that Unilever’s Dollar Shave club also got caught with its pants down, advertising on Pornhub.

See, and you thought all the stupid stuff was only happening in politics.

Speaking of stupid stuff…
We now have the Stupidity Defense

I’ve heard of people accused of terrible crimes pleading not guilty by reason of insanity. But by reason of stupidity?

Lindsay Graham’s latest defense of Donald Trump and the White House in regard to the Ukraine, quid pro quo and all of that, is that they’re all “too incoherent” to be guilty of selling America’s reputation and allies down the river. I think "incoherent" is used as a synonym for stupid in this case.

Sorry Lindsay. You too, Trumpster. Stupidity is not a legal defense against any crime or misdemeanor, high, low, or in-between.

However, if Donald Trump should ever go out and actually shoot somebody, he should be advised to skip Fifth Avenue and instead commit his murder on his estate in Bedminster, New Jersey. 

In New Jersey, The Trumpster will be happy to learn, mental retardation is a valid defense against imposition of the death penalty. So he can seek immunity from lethal injection on the grounds that even though he’s a very stable genius, he’s actually a very stable retarded genius.  

Oh no! Oh woe!
Say it ain’t so, Joe!

New topic again: In an attempt to reach voters in the Latino community, the Biden campaign created a web domain called Cool. But then they forgot to renew the domain name. When perhaps the only hip person in the entire Trump universe realized this deficiency, the Trump campaign bought the domain.

So now, when a Hispanic voter clicks on, what comes up is a photograph of a dejected looking Joe, standing all alone on a dirt road in the middle of nowhere, and headlines that tell you in both English and Spanish, “Oops, Joe forgot about Latinos. Joe is all talk.” There are two buttons you can click. Both will take you to a website called Latinos for Trump.

A cat-humping iguana. You can't
make this stuff up.
Look, I’m older than Joe Biden. So I don’t hold his age against him. Rather, it’s the endless stream of his gaffes. And make no mistake, in the age of the Internet, failing to hire a web team that knows enough to secure your own domain is a gaffe. True, I’d would rather have Joe Biden in the White House than Donald Trump. For that matter, I would rather have a cat-humping iguana in the White House than Trump.

But I’d still most rather have Elizabeth Warren.

No comments: