How to blow the next presidential election and hand it over to Trump — 3 surefire techniques for Democrats who want to lose

The Kindlifresser, a statue in Bern, Switzerland

of a monster that eats little children. Democrats

are eating their own candidates — and their

chances for electoral success.

1. Keep on calling it Socialism. This one’s for you, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. And you too, Bernie Sanders. And even you, Elizabeth Warren. I love most of the things you favor. Government-sponsored health care. Guaranteed incomes for all. Some long overdue redistribution of wealth. Publicly paid-for college education. Paid parental leave. Just one little catch.

The best way to get none of those things is to call them “Socialism.” 

“Socialism” is the Freddy Krueger of American politics to a wide swath of Americans. They want all the things you want them to have. But they don’t want Socialism, or at least they think they don't. You say Socialism, they see Venezuela. Yes yes, I know. That’s not true about your own base. But we’re talking about getting a majority of votes from as many of the 50 states as possible.

You’re really talking about Scandinavian-style Socialism in free and democratic nations like Sweden, Denmark, Norway, Holland, Germany — the kind of countries from which Donald Trump says he wants to see more immigration to the United States. (Fat chance! Happy people don’t pick up and change countries.)

But accurately referring to the part of the world where the S-word brings happiness and stability might help progressive Democrats win. So don’t call it “Socialism.” Call it “Scandinavian benefits.” Or even better, “Aryan benefits.” Now let’s see The Trumpster lace into your program. What’s he gonna do — declare himself anti-Aryan and shoot his entire base in the head? 

Or call it Northern European benefits, if you want to tone it down. Just don’t call it Soc…Soc…Soc…you know.

2. Kill the candidacy of any male Democrat who gets accused of anything by a woman. Yeah, I know that touching a woman’s shoulder or smelling her hair seems kind of creepy these days. But it used to not be. The culture has changed. Fast. The notions of what are acceptable social behaviors always change and evolve. Give your fellow Democrats a chance to catch up.

Compared  to corruption, self-dealing, hypocrisy, unrestrained greed, habitual lying, "grabbing' 'em by the pussy," and, who knows, maybe even treason, smelling somebody’s hair is a hell of a flimsy reason to disqualify a candidate for office, even with our changed norms. We've already pretty much disqualified two strong vote-getters, Joe Biden and Al Franken, imprisoning them in the forever penalty box. They're finished. Done. Kaput. For what?

It’s getting to the point where, if I were a Republican strategist, I would wait until the Democrats nominate someone and then hire a few nobodies to claim the candidate breathed on them. Or kissed them on the cheek. Or called them "darlin'." What if the candidate is a woman? 

Make the claim anyway. Accuse her of being a closeted lesbian predator. Or of coming on to male high school campaign volunteers. Trust me, I’m not giving the Republicans any ideas. They probably began inserting these ideas into ring binders for distribution among the party weeks ago. But if we keep going the way we’re going, the Republicans won’t need to sic fake accusers on our candidates. We’ll have killed off all our own candidates for them.

The only way to prevent this is to draw a red line. Credible claims of rape, undue and repeated pressure to engage in unwanted sexual activities, or pederasty? Sure, if those are credible, throw the creep out. In fact, call the cops out. But as for the rest of these piddling grievances, drop it, willyuh? We’ve got an election to win. And a vulture named Trump to send home to his Fifth Avenue aerie where he can feed on his own golden bile. Or orange bile on his golden toilet. Or whatever.

3. Play stupid manipulative games with your own voters.  Normally I don’t contribute to political candidates. Oh shut up, I know I should, too. I just don’t. Except once, recently, when a Democrat I admire sent me an e-mail asking for “Just $5” for some urgent thing or other. Hey, for five bucks, why not? I filled out the online form. I charged it to a credit card. I clicked on the “contribute” button. I started to feel good about what I'd done. I began thinking that this was so painless, I could do it more often. Until…

….maybe three minutes later. I got another e-mail, from the campaign committee of the same politician. Y’know, they told me, it costs money to process all these contributions. Would I please send another three dollars “processing fee?” 

Say what? They killed any hope I'd ever contribute another nickel not only for their own candidate, but for any candidate from my party who might ever ask me for money again. If you wanted eight bucks, you scuzzball, why didn’t you just ask for eight bucks instead of jerking me around? You've not only fouled your own nest, you've fouled every Democrat's nest. At least for me.

Positive afterthought: Remember the Hillary Clinton - Donald Trump debate, where the Trumpster wandered away from his own podium and stood way, way too close behind Hillary while she was answering a question? If Hillary had wheeled around, snarled, “Back off, Buster! and then kicked Trump in the nuts, right there on TV, she would today be President of the United States. 

I hope all the nice women who feel the sudden urge to go whine to the news media that a politician made them “feel uncomfortable” will remember this. If somebody’s making you feel uncomfortable, and that’s pretty much the extent of it, tell him firmly and loudly to buzz off — and forget about crying about it to the news media.