Monday, March 26, 2018

Revealed! Donald Trump’s (TOP SECRET!!!) next round of cabinet picks!

Let’s face it. The Trumpster’s cabinet picks don’t last for long. In favor one day, out on the street the next.

Perhaps that’s because that’s because Trump tends to pick people not only for how nutty they seem on Fox News, but also on how much like the Trumpster’s concept of the job they look and sound.

Rex Tillerson, for example, was silver haired, slightly portly, and dignified — but with a face full of sculpted character lines. If Trump had gone to Central Casting, he couldn’t have found a likelier candidate for the wise-but-tough Secretary of State. Whoops! Sorry about that — former secretary of state.

Former Marine General Jim Mattis not only looks the part of Secretary of  Defense, but also, as Trump pointed out when nominating Mattis, he was sometimes called “Mad Dog Mattis.” Hey, isn’t a mad dog exactly what you want to have in your Cabinet Room when you’re trying to scare the your adversaries into submission?

So okay, you get the idea. Crazy is good. Looking the part is even better. Experience and judgement? What the hell are they?

Now for the nominations. And please, no arguments that some of the nominees might be Democrats or Liberals, or even (gasp!) Progressives. Nobody in the cabinet lasts long enough to achieve anything significant anyway. So these folks, like the current and former cabinet officers in the Trump Administration, are just for show. Just like all the others who went before them.

For Secretary of Defense: Sylvester Stallone. Ultimately, current Secretary Mattis’s problem is not that he has a restraining influence on The Trumpster. It’s clear that our enfant terrible of a President cannot be restrained, despite Mattis’s “Mad Dog” monicker. We need a defense secretary who can also look scary. Somebody who looks like he'll put up with no crap. Not to mention, somebody who looks better than Putin with his shirt off. And who better than Sylvester ("Sly") Stallone, or Rambo to you, sucker, with his bandana wrapped around his head, tripod-less machine gun tucked under his pecs, blasting the living, streaming bibimbap out of any fat-bellied dictator who has the temerity to get in Sly's path?

For CIA Director, Glenn Close.  I know, I know, the betting would be on Gina Haspel, already in the CIA, who oversaw illegal black sites and evidently supervised waterboarding and then trashed the horrifying evidence. The problem is, Haspel, law-breaking sadist though she is, sort of looks like your favorite pre-school teacher, Miss Jennifer Bellebloomer, from the Wee Learners Day School. 

If you want someone who, as the Trumpster puts it, would engage in “waterboarding and a helluva lot worse,” you need somebody who looks mean enough to do it, and then to improvise some other tortures — say with burning matches under the fingernails, or electroshocks to the genitals. And who looked meaner than Glenn Close when she played Cruella DeVille in 1001 Dalmatians? I know, I know, Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin’s wife also looks the part. But she’s only a former bit part actress with not nearly the kinds of reviews that Close earns. And that’s putting it mildly. By the way, speaking of Mnuchin, who’s been around too long for comfort…

For Treasury Secretary, Jim Cramer.  First of all, let’s face it, the man rolls up his sleeves. I mean, it's as if he only buys shirts that have the sleeves pre-rolled for him. With those sleeves, he looks like he means business. As if rolled-up sleeves weren’t qualification enough, he also yells, hollers, screams, sometimes even throws things. Better still, his bad investment calls and formidable lack of foresight match or exceed the Trumpster’s. Witness the especially atrocious advice below concerning a now-defunct financial institution. Cramer would definitely contribute to TCC (Trump Cabinet Chaos.)

For Secretary of Education, Carmen Diaz: Betsy DeVos is a nice looking woman…for her age. But that’s just it. Her age. When the Trumpster looks at women, twenty or so years his junior is better. Twenty-five or so years, better yet. And so on and so on, down to his daughters. 

That’s why I nominate Carmen Diaz, who isn’t a teacher but played one in in the movies. This makes her not only just as familiar with how to save our failing schools as Betsy DeVos but also — need I say it? — hot. (Diaz will of course need to sign a confidentiality agreement in advance of her appointment, just in case the Trumpster also has some other ideas.)

For Secretary of State, Jack Nicholson. Nuts to all that “diplomatic restraint” stuff. We need a State Department that can stop thinking in diplomatic cables and start thinking in dirty tricks and bombs. 

Jack Nicholson fits the bill on both counts whether he’s poking his head through the door he’s just smashed with an axe and announcing, “Heeeere’s Johnny!” or playing some diabolically evil trick as The Joker in a Batman movie. Nicholson has proven, time and again, that he can act as crazy as our president already is. So what are you waiting for, Mr. President? Sign him up.

For United States Attorney General, “Judge” Jeanine Pirro.  Ms. Pirro was a county court judge, in a suburban county, for two whole years. Prior to that, she made her anti-crime bones as an assistant DA, by (you can’t make this stuff up) arraigning a deranged woman in a hospital’s intensive care unit. It is not entirely clear to me whether the alleged perp, hooked to pipes, oxygen, and intravenous bottles, was even conscious at the time. 

All of this, and a late husband who was convicted on 34 counts of tax evasion and conspiracy, led to “Judge” Pirro’s true calling as a raving Fox News commentator. With Jefferson Beauregard Whatsisname heading for the wood shed for failing at what our President sees as the AG’s primary duty — to protect the president from getting arrested — Judge Jeanine ought to be a shoo-in, once she signs a confidentiality agreement. 

Bonus point: Sometimes “judge” Pirro looks more orange than His Orangeness. Oh, and look how neatly she tucks just under his chin. They fit together like a pair of orange Legos. What more could you want?

For our next National Security Advisor, John Malkovich. I know, I know, the National Security Advisor advisor is not a
cabinet post. But all you have to do is take one look at that rabbit picture — okay, stuffed toy rabbit picture — and you know Malkovich is Trumps’s kind of guy. I mean, if Malkovich could be that mean to a stuffed rabbit, just imagine what he could to do to the Ayaollah Khamenei. Especially in that sheriff's uniform.

   One day, possibly before he even knows where the nearest men’s room to his White House office is, John Bolton will stroll into a post-lunch Oval Office meeting with either chocolate crumbs stuck in his snowy white mustache or a few yucky drops of spaghetti sauce dripping from it. Trump will take one look, and that’ll be it for Bolton's White House career. Malkovich should start getting his security clearance papers ready now. I rest my case. 

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