Rand Paul: "Oh boo hoo! They're attacking me. They're being so mean to me! They're asking me gotcha questions that I'm too ill informed or unprepared to answer. Oh, boo hoo, boo hoohoo!"

Uh, I dunno much about ophthalmic surgery, but why is Rand

Paul operating on a man's eye through the poor guy's nose?

Could it be Rand spent so much time counting "smears" by

the Democratic National Committee that he no longer knows

an eyeball from a nostril? Just asking.

From an e-mail received by the New York Crank in one of my blind mail drops, designed to monitor the activities of The Dark Side:

Crank,  from the day I announced my candidacy for President the left hurled one smear after another. 

In the last year, the Democratic National Committee attacked me 203 times on social media and in press releases. 

In fact, in April they targeted me 71 times! 

That was the highest number of any candidate in any month. 

And since my first week on the trail, Hillary's allies in the liberal media threw "gotcha" questions at me to destroy my campaign and select our party's nominee. 

So I need your help to fight back. 

You and I can't allow attacks by the Democrats and their pals in the press to pick our nominee. 

Another tired establishment candidate is a recipe for defeat. 

Americans are hungering for a candidate to upend the Big Government status quo.

I proved when I forced President Obama's illegal NSA spying to expire I was serious about defeating the Washington Machine. 

And just recently I proposed driving a stake through the heart of the IRS with my 14.5% Fair and Flat tax plan – which will return over $2 trillion to the paychecks of American workers and kick start our stagnant economy. 

The American people recognize I mean business and the polls prove I'm the Republican best positioned to defeat Hillary Clinton. 

So the left's attack dogs are pointed in my direction. 

The more they smear me, the more I know our movement to take our country back is growing. 

But I need your help to fight back right away. 

Please chip in a contribution of $ 20.16 so my campaign has the resources necessary to combat the Democrats attack on email, social media and online ads.

Rand, Rand, I get that this is all a come-on to shake me up, rattle my bones, and make me cough up money. And I also know you don't have diddley-squat to fire me up, except the empty claim of being smeared. If the smears were really smears, not simply folks pointing out the truth about you, you'd refute them. I even know you want me to remember you're running for President in 2016, and that's why you want $20.16. But what the hell are you going to do with the sixteen cents?