Monday, April 14, 2014

The Crank’s brother out-cranks the Crank. And the laugh’s on Republican recruiters.

If a Republican recruiter calls you, don't
hang up. There are better ways to stick it
to them.
The Crank’s little brother, himself an old fogey these days – and with lots of time on his retired hands – called last night to tell me about his latest foray into politics.

He had joined the Republican Party, he told me, and for only forty bucks.

“Why would you give them a plugged nickel?” I asked him. “Why would you even join them for free?”

“It’s worth it in entertainment,” he assured me.

Seems a Republican lady called him from some call center and asked him if he’d be interested in joining the party. Before she could tell him why, he was telling her.

“Wow! That means I could pitch in and help the Republicans with all their good work!”

“Absolutely,” she said.

“Like we could abolish food stamps,” he enthused. “I’m sick and tired of people eating off the government dole. Let ‘em get a job, or if they say they can’t get a job, let ‘em starve to death in the street, wouldn’t you agree?”

His retort was clearly not in the Republican telemarketing script. The Republican lady sounded flustered. “Well, um, I’m not sure if…”

“And what about all those sluts who want us hardworking taxpayers to pay for their birth control so they can party at our expense? If they get pregnant and have babies, that’s their problem, wouldn’t you agree?”

“Um, well uh….”

“And if they do have the babies, let the babies starve to death. That’s not the government’s business, as long as they weren’t aborted, wouldn’t you agree?

“Err, well…”

“Also, this country needs a flat tax. A flat 20 percent on every penny of earned income, except for people making over $500,000 a year, because those are the job creators and we don’t want to slow down their important work, wouldn’t you agree?

At this point, the poor woman was getting overwhelmed.

“Also let’s do away with Social Security and Medicare. People ought to take care of their own damn selves. If they can’t, let ‘em die in the street, wouldn’t you agree?”

The recruiter tried to change the subject by getting down to brass tacks. She explained the virtues and benefits of a $70 membership as opposed to a $40 memberships.

“I’ll take the $40 membership,” he said. “There’s no way in hell I’m giving $70 as long as the Republican Party is infested with liberal pinkos like Mitt Romney and John McCain. Throw those lefties like that out and replace them with real Americans, like Ted Cruz and then I’ll pay $70. Did I mention how sick I am of people being deprived of their rights to stand their ground? If somebody plays loud music in your face, you should have a right to blow their faces off with a goddamn shot gun, wouldn’t you agree

And so poof, he’s a Republican. 

“I still don’t much like the idea of giving those guys $40,” I told him.

“Believe me, they’ll spend it all on postage and begging me for other things fore six months are up,” the Crank’s little brother said.

Personally, I would have left it at twenty minutes – or maybe with any luck, 60 minutes worth of fun. I say with luck because the object of my game whenever Republicans call, is to see how long I can keep them unproductively on the phone – unproductive, that is, except for my entertainment.

Never hang up on a Republican. Keep them on. Keep them talking. Keep them wasting their time. Make them hang up on you.

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