Washington, D.C.: The American Association of Chastity Belt Manufacturers today endorsed former U.S. Senator Rick Santorum in his campaign to become Republican nominee for the Presidency of the United States.
“After long and hard consideration, America’s chastity belt manufacturers have determined that Rick Santorum would best promote the ideals of chastity and submission that are the bedrock of traditional morality and of our business,” said Duane LaPoubel, chairman of the multi-member K Street association.
“In this noble spirit,” LaPoubel declared, “we have formed a Superpac called Americans for Life and Chastity.” The pro-life chastity super-pac is expected to contribute $190 million to the Santorum campaign, drowning out Mitt Romney and other candidates in the remaining primaries, and overwhelming President Obama in the national elections.
LaPoubel noted that “the chastity belt is the most effective means of contraception known to humanity. It is far more powerful than the disgusting and life-destroying pill, as well as other mechanical or latex devices. It is even more powerful than abstinence. An abstinent person has to abstain. With a chastity belt, it doesn’t matter what a person tries to do. Or for that matter, what two people try to do. Unchaste activities are securely kept under lock and key.”
The chastity belt manufacturers for years have been attempting to promote their devices for purposes not only of contraception, but also for “encouraging young people to wait until marriage,” and for the prevention of rape.
In recent years they had become discouraged until Santorum announced his candidacy. The manufacturers believe Santorum is the candidate most likely to institute government programs mandating the use of chastity belts on women until they are wed, and in some cases well after marriage if their husbands choose.
The chastity belt manufacturers, for their part, have been refining their products to utilize modern technologies. For example, one chastity belt, the I-belt®, can be locked and unlocked only with a smartphone app coded by the person who has attached the woman’s belt. Another contains a tracking device that lets fathers or husbands know exactly where their women are at any given moment.
“These innovative new products are part of our pro-life campaign,” said LaPoubel. “When you think about it for a moment, nothing is more pro-life than a chastity belt.”
Encouraged by the medieval revivalist atmosphere enveloping Santorum, a few of the chastity belt manufacturers have also begun developing branded new products. Among them are stainless steel witch-dunking stools and fireproof stakes, which can be re-used many times for burning heretics, according to the manufacturer.
"These are the finest new anti-witch devices in eight hundred years," said LaPoubel.