Monday, August 07, 2006

Chew this over until Labor Day: The New York Crank’s secret plan to end the war in Iraq.

I haven’t wanted to reveal this. I’ve been waiting for some candidate for President to call me in as a consultant and pay me a zillion dollars a day to explain this idea, but it doesn’t look as if that’s going to happen. Besides, I’m about to go on vacation until Labor Day, so the hell with it. I’m donating my peace plan to the world. Free.

I simply have to. I mean, George Bush is essentially saying, “I don’t know how to clean up the mess I made, let the next guy do it.” Hillary is talking out of both sides of her mouth – she’s for the war but against the war, fine-tuning her strategy to the latest polls. Flippity-flop, flippity-flop. Forget her. John McCain? Pro war. Maybe that lump on the side of his face went to his brain.

Joe Lieberman is for the war. Go figure, because he’s a Democrat. Also, his stance is about to get him unelected, or de-elected, or whatever you call a U.S. Senator who’s about to walk face-first into an electoral weed whacker at the polling booths. Serves him right for wanting to send young Americans off to get killed and maimed in a stupid and useless war. You can keep perusing the list of possible presidential candidates on either side and all you get are people hopelessly impossible end-the-war plans, hopelessly impossible candidates, or nut job declarations to stay the course.

Most of the Get Out Of The War plans are based on one of three things:

1. We set a date and leave by it. That would get us out – and turn Iraq over to religious zealots who saw off heads and would blow up the U.S. in a blink of an ICBM. No thanks.

2. We “stay the course.” Yeah, that’ll get us out. At the end of eternity.

3. We partition Iraq into three parts: The Sunni Part, the Shiite Part and the Kurdish Part. That might work in Iraq. Unfortunately that also would raise hell for our good friend and NATO ally, Turkey. The Turkish Kurds would probably want to secede from Turkey and join Kurdistan. Boom! Another Middle East explosion, this time endangering the Turks.


The only human being in the last 65 years who was able to slam the lid down on Iraq and sit on it so hard that no enraged dissident could get out was Saddam Hussein. He was a brutal thug of a ruthless dictator (the redundant characterization of Saddam is called for).That was exactly what the feuding, insurgency-breeding, civil war fighting, bomb throwing Iraqis have demonstrated they deserve.

So let’s speed up Saddam Hussein’s trial, sentence him to death, cut out the appeals process, put a rope around his neck and stand him on a stool. Then, just as we’re about to kick the stool out from under him, say this:

“Okay, Saddam, we’ll cut you a deal. We’ll take the rope off your neck if you take back your country and run it for us.”

It’s a brutal approach, but giving Saddam the choice of taking back Iraq or dying at the end of a rope is probably the only way we could make him run the country again.

As a sweetener we could even toss him some foreign aid to put his Swiss bank account.

That’s all for a while, folks. I'll be back around Labor Day. Be sure to check here then. For now, pass this article along to your friends by clicking on the envelope icon below. Comments are also welcome, either below or by e-mailing me at But remember that I won’t be around to post them until I get home. I’m off to Europe on a – What is it those junketing Republicans call it? – oh yeah, a “fact finding mission.”
c) 2006

1 comment:

Nathan said...

Wow, that is excellent. I just found your blog, but I'll be back. Have a great time in Europe.